'you can't hide from change'
12/29/02

your eyes flick back at me,
daunting, knowing,
reflecting the question i threw
up into the air.

for you to catch,
for you to throw back,
at me.

for you to throw away.

you have no answers for me,
i know.

no map of the world to spread out,
pin up,
trace with a magic marker.

"here's where we'll go, babe,
and then here,
with your hair pinned back,
my arm wrapped around you.
slurpees and mars bars,
for the road.
you and me, kid.
you and me."

spread your lies,
spread your paranoia,
spread your legs, sweetheart.

all for her,
all for him,
all for us,
all for me.

and you ask me if i am afraid to change,
without opening your mouth,
that tongue-tied up in knots,
robbed of beauty.

i lie back and stare at the plastic stars on the ceiling,
fifty to a package,
glow in the dark.

"hey baby, it's the fourth of july."

i wish i could crawl into the song,
sit on your front step,
with a cigarette,
wait for you to come back and say i'm sorry,
again.

and i avoid your gaze,
chip the paint off the wall.

try to think of ten thousand ways to sign my name,
where i put the curls and loops,
the flair,
the heavier push on the pen,
leaving those indentations on the page,
my mark.

no, i don't fear change,
i like the feel of the clinking in my back pocket,
the smile from a stranger,
with a stain on their soul,
ripped hole in the arm of my sweater.

"can i help you, ma'am?"

"hello, my name is...
my name is,
my name is..."

i long for the re-identity,
a new mask,
new paint on the walls,
that new soul smell.

i live for second-chances,
first days,
ears that haven't heard my boring old tales a million and a day,
again and again.

like you, my dear.
like you.

yet i loathe the forgetting i'll do,
the names that will blur in my head,
directions to that little taco stand.

what was it you liked so much?

how the ice machine clamoured,
where you got that scar.

i'll miss that.
i will

and, now your eyes begin to close,
with a whisper,
a frozen denial that slides between us.

can you feel it?

under the bedsheets,
through our fingertips,
the kink in your hair,
my breath on the back of your neck.

"i know we'll never change."

laura f

i have a livejournal now.
i am going to be doing my main writing there.
but, i'm going to post my poetry here.

here is my new link: http://www.livejournal.com/users/seasoulsky/

laura f

i miss writing here.
i miss having the time to write in here.
but work is so insane right now. i don't anticipate having my life back to normal until next year.

i have been writing a novel, though. well, working on one.
originally it was for the nanowrimo challenge. the "write a novel in the month of november".
i was excited to do it, but with work and life i realized i couldn't keep up.

but, the good thing about it is it got me motivated to write a novel that has been building in my mind for years.
it needs work. it is a definate work-in-progress. but, it is available online to read. to follow along on the process.

right now it is here: http://breathingunderwater.blogspot.com/

i'm looking for a better home for it, though. if anyone decides to read it you have to read it backwards. the page that comes up is the most current chapter.

again, this needs work still. but, feedback is very very very much appreciated.
e-mail me at finswithin@yahoo.com with any thoughts, ideas, comments, song requests, etc.

until 2003.

laura f

from 'ghost world'.

well, at least my hair is.

what a little haircut and dye can do :D

laura f

lyrics for today: 'have you seen me lately' counting crows (did you expect anything else? ;))

get away from me
get away from me, this isn't gonna be easy
but i don't need you
believe me

you got a piece of me
but it's just a little piece of me
and i don't need anyone
and these days i feel like i'm fading away

like sometimes when i hear myself on the radio
have you seen me lately?
have you seen me lately?

i was out on the radio starting to change
somewhere out in america,
it's raining
could you tell me one thing you remember about me
and have you seen me lately?

i remember me
and all the little things that make up a memory
like she said she loved to watch me sleep
like she said:
"it's the breathing, it's the breathing in and out and in and..."

have you seen me lately?

i was out on the radio starting to change
somewhere out in america
it's raining
could you tell me one thing you remember about me
and have you seen me lately?

i guess i thought that someone would notice
i guess i thought somebody would say something
if i was missing

can't you see me?

come on color me in
come on color me in
give me your blue rain
give me your black sky
give me your green eyes
come on give me your white skin
come on give me your white skin
come on give me your white skin

i was out on the radio starting to change
somewhere out in america,
it's raining

could you tell me one thing you remember about me
and have you seen me lately?

have you seen me lately

i've been seriously absent here, as of late.
it hasn't been for lack of words to say. my thoughts have been spinning and shooting through my skin lately.
but i have let my busy life and my need to keep some of me inside, keep me silent.
i'm never good with silence, though.
i've always had this burning need to share myself -- even when i was that shy child or adolescence that was once me.
even then i wrote. letters. diaries. stories to myself, in my head.
i think back on my life then, especially as a teenager, and think how different it would have been had i had the internet as a source of communication. of reaching out.
maybe it would have caused me to be more inside of myself. more shy and despondent in person.
or, perhaps it would have been the outlet i needed. a place where i could have learned to be myself sooner. to fit within the contents of my skin. my thoughts. my dreams.
who knows.
i do know that lately i've been forcing myself out of myself more.
trying to connect with people around me, even though quite often i see no one in my view that i feel a connection with.
but the only way to learn to connect, to find out if there is possibility, is to try. and i am so tired of being lonely.
this month is a favourite of mine. this month. and this season.
so far this has been an outstanding october. looks as if it will only get better. i see good things on my little october horizon.
last night i stood outside in the cold. i let my eyes gloss over, staring at the halloween lights that julia and i hung on our house. i let the colours bleed and blend. felt the chill on my skin. on the back of my neck. in my hair. i let myself drift. it was a gorgeous feeling.

and i still have adam's voice in my head. yes, i'm a silly giddy girl with this.

laura f~*

*note* all songs quoted in this review were songs performed in last night's concert.

whew.
what a night.
i am still reeling in exhaustion and a very delightful counting crows hangover.
i thought i'd take a moment out of my blurry, no-sleep day to write a little review of the show. and the night. while it is all still fresh in me.

warning: expect much rambling, raving and swooning!

"it seems like the daylight is coming and no one is watching, but me." ('goodnight l.a.')

my day started early, per usual. maybe a bit earlier that morning. before the sun. before the rest of the house. i was sleepless with anticipation. and nervousness. i was beyond excited to see one of my all-time favourite bands live -- for the first time. and seeing jen coble again. but, i was also nervous that i would get terribly lost. or be late. i am notorious at being directionally challenged, and getting lost in my own head -- much less anything involving north/south/east/west and roads (fast forward moment: i didn't get lost! yay me!).
i spent the morning buzzing around. picking out an outfit. going over directions. starting dinner, in our crockpot, for the gang. and the usual early morning things. giggles with veronica. raising the morning-un-dead that is julia. i knew that i had a ton of things i had to get done before i could hit the road. i was hoping that it could be done. that i would actually get *there*.

"where'd you come from? where am i going? why'd you leave me 'till i'm only good for...waiting for you." ('angels in the silences')

waiting. the day dragged. and dragged. and then dragged some more. i got out later than i planned...and then every little thing i had to get done took longer than expected. the bank. getting lost on the way to the cable company (see how i am???). the world's longest train going by. i think i wore my wristwatch out, checking it out. over and again.
but, i finally made it home. ran upstairs. changed. tried to fix my hair. kiss veronica, and fix bottles for her. kiss julia, ask her to tape 'gilmore girls'. make sure everything is set for them, and deal with the pouty faces of a family who just isn't used to me not being there all the time.

and i was dying of wonderings of what jen's big secret was going to be!!!!

"so come dance this silence down through the morning." ('mr. jones')

i was off. only a small delay. getting on the wrong on-ramp to the highway (see? ;)), but i was lucky with no traffic. the road just laid out in front of me, obstacle free. i was sad to not have a tape player in the car. going from state to state can be a nuisance with radio. and i am an obsessive station changer, too. i am just not much of a fan of corporate radio. but, for about 10 minutes or so i found the most amazing radio station (somewhere near lansing, mi). their slogan was "commercial-free alternative". commercial free! can you believe it? and...it wasn't "mtv alternative"...but alternative-alternative. in the short time i could actually tune it in i heard ani difranco, le tigre, sleater-kinney, ben lee and paul westerburg...on the radio!!!! but, sadly the station must have a mouse-sized tower, as they had the weakest signal imaginable. before i even got to get it, it was gone. i want *that* station hard wired to my head anytime i drive! is that too much to ask? ;)

"i've been wandering through the dark, now i'm standing on the lawn." ('if i could give you all my love -or- richard manuel is dead')

before i knew it, though, i was in south bend. cute town. nice little neighborhoods. very college feel. reminds me a lot of ann arbor. and then i was parking my car in front of jen and trevor's adorable house -- with the silly dog warning door mat (with no dog in the house) and the biggest television i've ever seen!

"she is something all together different, never just an ordinary girl." ('hard candy')

there was jen. all glowing and smiles. a good hug. she was bouncing around. talking. being way cute with her husband. putting little girl ponytails in her hair.

and then the secret revealed...

"i think you better turn your ticket in, get your money back at the door." ('omaha')

we had fourth row seats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh my god!!!! i was shocked, amazed, excited. thank you, jen!!!!

"american girls are feathers and cream, coming to bed so edible." ('american girls')

so, i had never had thai food. until last night. and now, thai food will always be synonomous with adam duritz, and the counting crows, to me.
jen and i walked into siam, this very small thai restaurant right near the concert venue. there was a big board up right as you walked in, but since i am a giant i could glimpse the unmistakebable hair of mr. duritz himself. in the restaurant. barely a breath away.
he was there with the band, and crew. three tables full of people. adam was text-messaging and looking quite beautiful. those who know me well know i've had quite the crush on him for ages. well, this just elevated it, let me tell you. i know he has written in his online journal (at the counting crows site) that he has body image issues and hates photographs of himself, but i couldn't help but think "why?". 'course i know how irrational body image can be. but, really...*swoon*.
of course i chickened-out and didn't speak to him. i contemplated an autograph. but, the time didn't ever seem right and it felt rather invasive. he was eating and seemed very busy. but...

"and have you seen me lately?" ('have you seen me lately')

we had a moment. a small one. but, a moment all the same. one of the band members left and his seat was opened. adam stood up and turned to grab his coat (to move over to the open seat) and we caught eyes. just for a moment. that i notice you notice me kind of moment. and he gave me this small smirk of a smile. yeah, you could say that totally made my day. night. week. month. my heart was in my throat and i felt like suddenly i was teleported back to sixteen. *swoon*.

"i can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven', now the days go by so fast." ('a long december')

then he was gone. put on that jacket and walked out the door. the remaining band members and crew followed shortly after. and then some of the other patrons started to gush. a table of three girls all took out their cellphones, simultaneously, and you could hear them saying things like 'you'll never guess who was here'.

thai food rocks! ;)
*giggles*

"i been bummin' around this old town for way too long." ('hanginaround')

it is not often that an opening band gets me. takes me away from my anticipation for the band i actually came to see, and has me entertained. and distracted. in that 'wow. this is cool.' kind of way. the opening act for this show was not one of those not often kind of bands. graham colton group. graham colton being the seemingly egotistical lead singer who could not stop touching his hair, and who jen pointed out sounded like gavin rossdale from bush. the rest of the band, with the exception of the bassist, seemed to be having a competition of who could upstage the other, and flirt with the most girls. strike the most "pretty boy with a guitar" pose. and the songs were very mundane to me. very matchbox twenty. bland. but, adam seemed to like them. he raved. he invited them onstage, during one of the encores, to sing 'hanginaround' with the band. so, maybe i just missed something. but, i remain unimpressed.

"i am the rain king." ('rain king')

and there they were. the rain king and the rest of the band. all incredible. they opened with 'goodnight elisabeth', closed the final encore (there were two) with 'hard candy'.

they played the first half of the show accoustically. something they said they had just tried out in new york. thought they would give it another shot. it was a good choice!

if you have a chance, ever, to see the counting crows. do it. really. don't even think twice. just go.

i've loved their music since the release of their first album, 'august and everything after'. but, seeing them live. hearing the songs. feeling the way they are poured out there. well, the songs will never be the same to me. they have deepened. intensified.

adam gives so much to the audience. so much of himself. he wears the emotions of all the songs all over him. telling their stories with every part of him. the way he stands. moves. uses his hands. posture. his eyes. his expressions.

i've always thought that the songs were deeply personal to adam. that they were pieces of his story/ies. this really solidified it. his ad-libs, too. like whispering "it's not okay" or standing up, right close to the crowd, singing "you are not alone, i am not alone." or, even adding the "fuck" to 'mr. jones'. (adam's comment: "it is a given that in every show i will forget the words to one of the songs, which i just did, and that you will all cheer when i say fuck in 'rain king'. well, that one is your shit to deal with." ;))

it just really feels like his soul is out there. in the music. in the songs. right there in front of you. it is really hard to properly describe how it felt to be there. how swept away i was. how the whole crowd was caught up in it. singing along to *every song*. the energy flooding the whole place.

"i walk along these hillsides In the summer 'neath the sunshine. i am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me. change, change, change." ('a murder of one')

yes!!!! they played it. one of my all-time favourite songs (and not just from the counting crows). this song is so deeply personal to me. so tied up in some big things in my life, some vital times. just hearing the opening notes sent shivers through me. and that welling of tears.
and, wow. i never expected it to be such a show-stopper. or for the audience to be so involved in the song. singing along. passionately.
the ad-libs adam sang. and just his expressions through this song. i felt touched by it. deeply. and so caught up in the music. the need to move. to be part of the moment.

"hop on my choo-choo. i'll be your engine driver in a bunny suit. if you dress me up in pink and white,
we may be just a little fuzzy 'bout it later tonight." ('holiday in spain')

(side note: i loved his story behind this song!)

adam is so personable. such a showman. the rest of the band is incredible, too. don't get me wrong. but, adam was amazing. and silly. and a klutz (yay!). and swore like a sailor. and was very open.

and hurray for both charlie and adam's reminders to check-out the aids assistance missionaries and the ywca's women's shelters for domestic violence booths. and adam's reminder to vote this november -- how it was disgusting that more people voted for 'american idol', than in the elections.

"listen, late last night, heard the screen door slam
and a big yellow taxi took my girl away. don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till it's gone. they paved paradise and put up a parking lot." ('big yellow taxi')

then they were gone. after two electric encores. jen and i tossed around the idea of staying. waiting by the tour bus. but, it was already midnight, my time, so we decided to head home.

it was quite a time. well worth my crazy drive home (me and 80 trucks and horrid construction) that ended in a four hour drive home. but, it was worth it.

thanks, jen!

laura f