Which Willy Wonka character are you?

made by

lyrics for today: 'central reservation' beth orton

putting down a central reservation.
last night's red dress
and i can still smell you on my fingers
and taste you on my breath.
stepping through brilliant shades
of the color you bring
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is.

today is whatever i want it to mean.

if this is where memories are made, well,
dreams do come true.
everything i ever took for granted
i want to see it through.
i step through every shade
any color you bring.
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is.

today is whatever i want it to mean.

it's like
it's like living in the middle of the ocean
with no future, no past.
and everything that's good right now,
well, i don't wish for it to last.
i'll step through brilliant shades,
every color you bring.
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is.

and today is whatever i want it to mean.

i love that line: "today is whatever i want it to mean." it resonates within me, today. speaks of freedom. that we can decide what we make our lives. we can decide to be happy. we can decide to dwell on unhappiness, sit around and do nothing but complain. or we can decide to see from a different perspective. count the things that make our life grand. we all have them, no matter what we may believe.

here are a few things that make my today grand:

baby girl's new smile
laughing with dave until we both started to fall off the couch
talking with mary
deciding to do something completely new and different with my hair
finding a shirt i have wanted for ages on sale at oldnavy.com
downloading the above beth orton song

laura f

"though i'm past one hundred thousand miles, i'm feeling very still...
"

quiz created by neondisease

Which David Bowie single are you?

(from purple ink mailing list)
list 10 of your favorite works of art (you can interpret "work of art" however you want):

1. 'ecstasy' maxfield parrish
2. 'blue nude' pablo picasso
3. 'the starry night' vincent van gogh
4. 'a mermaid' john william waterhouse
5. 'black iris' georgia o'keefe
6. 'brooklyn family' diane arbus
7. 'little earthquakes' (album) tori amos
8. 'midsummer's eve' edward robert hughes
9. 'flaming june' lord frederic leighton
10. my daughters - julia and veronica

laura f

what movie symbolism are you? find out!

most of this week has been spent with both my daughters.

julia is leaving tomorrow for california, for two weeks. her first trip flying alone. her first time away from me for more than a week. big stuff. i'm going to miss her.

we've spent a lot of time planning. shopping for a "perfect" bathing suit (one she did find...all glitter and blue!) and some clothes that are "cool" (her words)...basically a black duster, a black button up shirt, tank tops and the bathing suit. (hmmm...lots of black, who could she get that from? i wonder ;))
we also watched the movie 'crossroads'. yes, the britney spears road trip extravaganza. i have three things to say about it. 1) it wasn't has horrid as i thought it would be, 2) mandy moore is a better actress, as the teen queens go, 3) britney is not a poet. 'nuff said. julia loved it though, and sang along. best moment was watching julia dance around the living room, with veronica, singing 'i love rock n' roll'.

as for veronica. wow. she changes everyday. i'm serious. the last few days she has been focusing on faces more, and noticibly recognizing all of us -- voices first, than faces. she loves music. has a different expression for every song she hears. right now she seems to enjoy celtic music the most. she loves the bath, and water of any kind. i just can't get over every little thing she does different every day. i honestly don't know how i'm going to be able to go back to work. i'm contemplating taking her in my purse with me!

dave and i are still trying to find time for us. not an easy task. but we managed to have a good conversation out on our front porch, and some time to watch a really bad movie on cable this afternoon, 'the fast and the furious'. our pronouncement of that film -- take 'point break' and replace the surf boards with cars. ack. despite the little time together, though, we are doing really well.

things that puzzle me lately: why good actors feel the need to make action films. why i can't find a pair of jeans that ever fit right. why there are so many children, in the u.s., being kidnapped, raped and killed lately. why i can't win the lottery and just spend every day with my two gorgeous daughters.

laura f

which francesca lia block girl are you?

(quiz created by shelle)

you're the virgin suicides. you're sad but pretty, and very, very dreamy.

take the which prettie movie are you? quiz, a product of the slinkstercool community.

i like this idea :D

my 10 things that definately do not suck:

1. my beautiful daughters, julia & veronica, you can see them here: http://photos.yahoo.com/bc/finswithin/lst?.dir=/Veronica+and+friends&.view=t

2. a written card, letter or postcard waiting in the mailbox

3. tori amos in concert

4. the library or bookstore

5. my best friend's laughter

6. black & white photography

7. ben & jerry's phish food ice cream

8. the ocean

9. a lazy sunday afternoon

10. my husband playing guitar on our front porch

You don't define yourself by a subculture, or at least you try not. You combine the
creativity and uniqueness of the underground with the trends of today giving you more
of an edge. You are probably not an outcast and nowhere near a conformist. You have
achieved balance.

Click here to take the GOTH test

lyrics for today: 'tell yourself' natalie merchant

i know what you tell yourself you tell yourself
i know what you tell yourself you tell yourself
look in the mirror
look in the mirror what does it show?

i hear you counting
i know you're adding up the score
i know, oh yes i know
what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.
i know what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.

ever since eden
we're built for pleasing everyone knows
ever since adam
cracked his ribs and let us go
i know, oh yes i know
what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.
i know what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.
i know what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.

who taught you how to lie
so well and to believe
in each and every word you say?

who told you that nothing about you is alright
it's just no use, it's just no good you'll never be ok?

well i know, i know that wrong's been done to you
"it's such a tough world,"
that's what you say
and i know, i know it's easier said than done
but that's enough girl
give it away
give it, give it all away

tell yourself that you're not pretty
look at you, you're beautiful.
tell yourself that no one sees
plain jane invisible to me

just tell yourself
tell yourself
tell yourself you'll never be like the anorexic beauties in the magazines
like a bargain basement barbie doll, no belle du jour, no femme fatale
just tell yourself, tell yourself
tell yourself there's nothing worse than the pain inside and the way it hurts
but tell yourself it's nothing new cause everybody feels it too
they feel it too
and there's just no getting 'round the fact that you're thirteen right now.

i'm so tired of body image issues and low self esteem, and not just in me. in so many beautiful women and girls i know. it is breaking my heart. it is pissing me the fuck off. i'm tired of a society that brandishes skinny as the ideal. i hate seeing my daughter and her best friend in tears because some girls in the neighborhood made up a cheer about how "julia and maranda are fat fat fat." why is it that just because they aren't tiny, stick thin, that makes them targets for this kind of abuse. and i see them taking it in. believing it. and on the other side of the life train i'm tired of hearing my mom complain about her weight, how it is this unmanageable part of her life. how she wishes she was anorexic or bulemic. who the hell would wish for that? she has no idea what she's wishing for. she thinks it is some temporary thing to be. like a wizard's trick. a magic diet. she doesn't realize it is a disease. that even when you recover from it, it never leaves you. the eating disordered voice stays within your head. your skin. comes out and taunts your reflection in the mirror. your well being. i am fighting here, in my head, my soul. i am trying to love who i am. to not pick apart my body. to be okay not being "thin". and i'm trying to be strong for those i love who are hurting. but this is so hard and i'm so tired of it. i want to wake up, i want everyone i love to wake up, and just love who they are. inside and out.

pleasure of the day: 'gilmore girls'

it's on right now. i'm taping it because i had a phone call in the middle of it, didn't want to watch it interrupted. so as soon as my fingers stop moving across the keys i will watch the episode. i love this show, especially the writing. lorelei is one of the tv show characters presently (and pastly...is pastly a word?) that i really relate to. her relationship with rory reminds me of my relationship with julia. i missed most of the episodes last season, so i'm indulging in the re-runs this summer. yay for good t.v.

website of the day: http://gilmore-girls.net/

gilmore girls :D

laura f

I'm a Girl!

SRC="http://door.nu/girl.jpg">

There isn't a woman

on earth who can't

relate to me

in some way or another.

I need to put

some band-aids on my knees.

Take the
title="Take the * Which Tori Amos Song Are You? * quiz @ The Quiz Blog">
Which Tori Amos Song Are You? quiz @ title="Which ____ are you? @ The Quiz Blog">The Quiz Blog @
Door.nu

lyrics for today: 'famous blue raincoat' leonard cohen

it's four in the morning, the end of december
i'm writing you now just to see if you're better
new york is cold, but i like where i'm living
there's music on clinton street all through the evening.
i hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
you're living for nothing now, i hope you're keeping some kind of record.

yes, and jane came by with a lock of your hair
she said that you gave it to her
that night that you planned to go clear
did you ever go clear?

ah, the last time we saw you you looked so much older
your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
you'd been to the station to meet every train
and you came home without lili marlene

and you treated my woman to a flake of your life
and when she came back she was nobody's wife.

well i see you there with the rose in your teeth
one more thin gypsy thief
well i see jane's awake --

she sends her regards.

and what can i tell you my brother, my killer
what can i possibly say?
i guess that i miss you, i guess i forgive you
i'm glad you stood in my way.

if you ever come by here, for jane or for me
your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
i thought it was there for good so i never tried.

and jane came by with a lock of your hair
she said that you gave it to her
that night that you planned to go clear --

sincerely, l. cohen

this song, tonight, reminds me of letters written in the wee hours of night, or morning. that brisk bridge between two days. dim lights. pen shaking. emotion just on the tip of your tongue, wanting to pour out, but dripping slowly. some of that inner fear gripping it back. but it still comes. leaks out onto the page. i've written letters like that. some of them sent, some not. some held onto for days, re-read, then crumpled and thrown away. others kept folded in pages of a book, found years later. opened like a christmas gift, with wonder and a bit of abandon. sitting crosslegged in a room, distracted by a past self. myself. in words scrawled out in fading ink. the computer is a fabulous technology, one that i utilize and adore, to a degree. but there is something about the hand written word. something powerful. it will never be replaced by clicks on a keyboard and a lit up screen. never.

pleasure of the day: talking to my best friend on the phone tonight.

website of the day: http://www.serve.com/cpage/LCohen/lyrics/

the lyrics of leonard cohen. hurrah.

laura f

"Just the two of us"

Which Strange Little Girl would you be?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.

I'm '97 Bonnie and Clyde: Devoted, Mistreated and Nurturing.

"Just the two of us"

Which Strange Little Girl would you be?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.

a little weekly ramble (for last week):

my week has mainly been spent doing baby stuff, and
things with julia. i'll try not to bore everyone with
too many mom-stuff. i'll try! ;)

most of the week i woke up at around 10:30-11 am. this
is super late for me, but my sleep is definately
different -- and sporadic -- since the baby. veronica
usually sleeps from about 10pm to 3 or 4pm and then is
up for a few hours, going back to sleep around 7am.
so, thus my late rising. the strange thing is that
julia seems to have adopted the sleeping late thing,
and subsequently staying up late.

speaking of julia, she has devoloped a huge bond of
best friendship with her friend maranda. this has
definately been the julia and maranda summer. these
girls are literally inseperable. they are always
either here or at maranda's...everyday. right now they
are writing a mystery story to act out. :) they are
also immensely into fashion. i took them to the mall
and they went nuts (in a good way). julia found
herself a new bathing suit, black duster and shirt and
maranda found herself a pair of combat boots and
rubber bracelets. veronica spent the afternoon wide
eyed at all the colours of clothes and jewelry and
toys in and around all the stores. maranda and julia
kept fighting over who got to push her around in her
stroller, too. i actually bought a pair of jeans and a
skirt (that i love!!!). the jeans are "just okay".
someday i want to have a pair of jeans made for me. i
know levis has a special store where you can order
your own custom jeans for your body. someday i want
those. i'm so tired of having the same fitting
problem. in order for jeans to fit my ample hips they
are way too big in the waist and do this annoying back
gap. ugh. but, the jeans i found are okay. for now.

i also continued on my movie watching extravaganza.
this time around i watched 'america's sweethearts',
'my first mister', 'i'm the one that i want',
'storytelling', 'amelie' and the dvd commentary of
'anniversary party'. yay for movies :)
i would definately recommend 'my first mister', 'i'm
the one that i want', 'amelie' and 'anniversary
party'!!!

i went to the library and checked out a huge stack of
books to read. right now i'm reading 'tempting faith
di napoli' by lisa gabriele -- see here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0385658214/qid%3D1027381959/sr%3D11-1/ref\
%3Dsr%5F11%5F1/104-0509584-0113535

i've also been watching 'gilmore girls' and 'six feet
under' -- hurrah :)

dave and i have spent most of our time being crazy
about the baby and taking julia and maranda places.
time with just the two of us has been really rare.
dave has been working a lot, and doing his hero clix
thing a few nights a week. we did find sometime to
play with the digital camera (taking lots of baby and
julia pics) and play in the rain this afternoon (it's
good not to grow up!)

that's about it, i think.

laura f

lyrics for the day: 'i don't care' shivaree

i don't care

i don't care you can do most anything
i am on a string and you can lead me anywhere
i'll go there willingly
some may say i'm for you to use and throw away
yeah that's what they say
but they'll say most anything
to keep you away from me

how much love loveable me
how much more can you take from me
you'll never go to sleep
i'll swallow all your time
doesn't matter what you say
'cause you are mine mine mine

seasons change
they march through they leave wounds behind
years are so unkind but
they could never rearrange
they can't change what i see

how much love loveable me
how much more can you take from me
you'll never go to sleep i'll swallow all your time
doesn't matter what you say
'cause you are mine mine mine

seasons change
they march through they leave wounds behind
years are so unkind but they could never rearrange
they can't change what i see
what i see
anything anything
i'll tell you what i'll do
anything anything
all for you

here is something i wrote today. i don't know how i like it. it feels a bit forced, but it has been ages (or what feels like ages) since i've done any real writing. i felt it was time to give it a shot. best way to write better is to keep on writing, right?

'transitionary girl'

this potion that you drip along my skin,
slowly, languidly,
pouring slowly along thi roadmap of my spine,
it is hypnotic, blinding,
a poison that leaves hooks inside of who i am.

you pull my words in through the wires,
i become the puppet,
the kept covering of desire,
of you and i,
and the millions of reasons left behind.

you speak to me, i can hear the words,
passionate, tyrannical,
they flood the surfaces around me,
they burn in a flame of denial,
spinning a web of invisibility.

i shift and swallow the filtered air of this cell,
you shake at the bars,
slide food through to me,
sustenance and penance,
say that i should wait here, become undone.

but i become this,
the ink in your writing pen,
leaking and waiting for your sentences and design,
sitting here becoming fluid, banal,
i wait for you to fill in my empty lines.

so, i'm going to california. going to visit my family. and for this it really has been *ages*. i'm not sure how i feel about all of it. conflicted. on both sides of the proverbial coin, i guess you could say. part of me is happy to see them. miss them. wanting to show her to them. to see them. face to face. but part of me knows what happens in that element. how i become this little girl again, swallowing hard, wanting to please. always feeling "less than good enough". and i don't know why. even in the compliments that come from my mother's tongue -- "you are such a good mother.", "i want to be you when i grow up.", "you are so...organized...together...etc...etc..." -- they are tinged in this tone, this way of speaking. it is hard to really put down in words, but it's in there. beneath the surface. the manipulation. the judgement. the criticism within the compliment. and it seeps in, i can't help it, it gets in. and the doubt and guilt settle under my surfaces. and it happens so slowly, so invisibly, that i don't feel it happening at first. and then i feel overwhelmed by it. by my self-doubt. i'm just sitting here now, hoping that the time apart will make this less likely. that i will have more security, more self preservation, more armor. we'll see.

damn, my daughters are beautiful. :)

pleasure of the day: root beer

diet coke, and other caffeinated products have always been my weakness, and my preference. but since i cannot have caffeine at the moment, i have been indulging in a new carbonated fancy -- root beer. my favourites being a&w and faygo. they remind me of being a child, on a road trip with my grandparents, stopping at the a&w stand. my grandfather would lift me up so i could order from the counter (i loved ordering myself) and i would always get a root beer float. the creamy soft serve ice cream swimming in the bubbles. and i would sit on the bench outside, feet tucked underneath me, and savor it. talking in between tastes to my grandfather about everything and anything, and nothing at all.

website of the day: http://hollywoodandvine.com/shivaree/

a good friend introduced me to their music, with a mixed tape. i played it so much the tape broke. unraveling in the bottem of my bag. i love the deep lush quality of the singer, and the poetic beat of the lyrics. and how it incapsulates childhood fantasy and adult disappointment, together, holding hands.

laura f

Which Weezer Song are You?

lyrics for today: 'let's go out tonight' craig armstrong

where the cars go by,
all the day and night,
why don't you say,
what's so wrong tonight?

pray for me,
praying for the light,
baby baby,
let's go out tonight.

where the lights all shine,
like i knew they would,
be mine all mine,
baby i'll be good.

pray for me,
praying for the light,
baby baby,
let's go out tonight.

i know a place,
where everything's alright,
alright,
let's go out tonight.

where the cars go by,
all the day and night,
why don't you say,
what's so wrong tonight.

i pray for love,
coming out alright, yeah,
oh baby baby,
let's go out tonight, yeah.

baby baby,
let's go out tonight,
let's go out tonight.

tonight,
tonight,
let's go out tonight,
yeah,
where the cars go by,
where the lights won't shine,
...,
tonight.

this was the song featured in the episode of 'six feet under' shown last sunday. my new tv obsession. i was floored by the song. so sad, so desperate, so passionate. it reminded me of leonard cohen or bryan ferry. and i knew i recognized the voice, but i couldn't place it. yay for friend/listee who mentioned it online, now i know and am currently downloading the mp3. hurrah. the mood of the song was so haunting, it stuck with me. sticky sweet and lurid. invading my memory and thoughts as i hummed it for the next few days. now i can hear it again.

oh what would life be without music?

pleasure of the day: 'six feet under'

i love this show!!! i'm so thrilled that hbo decided to replay the first season. i've been taping them all. now if they will replay season two, i could get the whole show (so far) on tape. currently my favourite character is nate. i didn't find him as likeable/interesting in season two, but season one really shows a deeper side to him.

website of the day: http://www.bellaonline.com

nice woman oriented website. i'm enjoying the photo rating section presently.

laura f

The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz

lyrics for today: 'a sorta fairytale' tori amos

on my way up north
up on the ventura
put back the hood
and i was talkin to you, and i
knew then it would be
a lifelong thing but i didn't
know that we
we could break a silver lining

and i'm so set
like a good book i can't put this
tear back
a sorta fairytale with you
a sorta fairytale with you

things you said that day
up on the 101
the girl come undone
i tried to downplay it with a
bet about us
you said you'd take it as
long as i could
i could not erase it

and i'm so set
like a good book i can't put this
tear back
a sorta fairytale with you
a sorta fairytale with you

and i ride alongside
and i rode alongside you then
and i rode alongside
til you lost it there in the open road
and i road alongside
until the honey spread itself so thin for me
to break your bread
for me to take your word
i had to steal it

way up north i took my day
all in all it was a pretty nice day and i
put the hood right back where
you could taste heaven perfectly
feel out the summer breeze
didn't know when we'd be back and i
i know but didn't think we'd end up like this

and i'm so set
like a good book i can't put this
tear back

a sorta fairytale with you
a sorta fairytale with you

i could pick back up whenever i feel

this song reminds me of so much of my past. my "l.a. days". those who knew me then would read me in these lines. read themselves in it, too. and the pictures from then are beginning to fade. the girl i was, fading as well. but those times are part of my soul. the blood in my veins. conversations in my car, on the 101, heading to ventura -- to chatsworth park -- to the valley. the sun just starting to come up. my eyes squinting. all the words exchanged between us. meaningful. meaningless. memories. it was sort of a fairytale.

so, i'm back. well, somewhat back. i have been pretty much offline for weeks and weeks. just popping on to upload pictures of her and sending a few emails here and there. i am blissful. i am exhausted. i am different. i am in love with this new life in my arms. all of her. and i'm trying to take every moment in. enjoy it. this time spent at home. i am honestly dreading my return to work. leaving her. leaving my home. going back to the stress and underappreciation. i miss elements of it. t.v. lunches and car rants. but i don't miss the actual work. the environment and the dissatisfaction i feel. this just makes it all more real to me -- this distance from it -- how much it isn't for me and how much i don't want to go back. but, i will. i just don't want to think too much about it now.

damn, she's beautiful. i helped make this. damn. it just blows me away.

pleasure of the day: her :) the new little life!!!

*bliss*

website of the day: http://thedent.com/

a dent in the tori amos net universe. a great site for anything tori! i cannot wait until the new album is released. thank you to two fabulous listees for sharing the new song with me. i'm loving it. loving it!!! i hope she tours soon, as well. i missed the 'strange little girls' show. i will not miss the next one.

laura f