this or that:

1. sesame street or captain kangaroo?

definately 'sesame street'. i was such a 'sesame
street' kid. my most favourite characters were the
monsters that did the phone sounds "briiing. briiing."
and said "yep yep yep yep yep, nope nope nope nope
nope." anyone remember them? i used to mimic them all
the time. drive my mom crazy, i'm sure ;)

2. muppet show or fraggle rock?

'the muppet show'!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

side note: i love the new weezer video, which has them
performing on 'the muppet show'. i think it's one of
the first times i've seen rivers cuomo smile.

3. he-man or jem?

i never watched either -- that was more my brother's
childhood. i remember he loved 'he-man' (and she-ra,
too).

4. the smurfs or muppet babies?

as a rule, i don't like any of the "babies" versions
of cartoon shows *or* any added "jr." character (like
scrappy doo, on 'scooby doo'). so, i guess i'd pick
'the smurfs', by default...though i never really
enjoyed them, either.

5. archie or josie & the pussycats?

'josie + the pussycats'!!!!!!!!!! :D

6. h.r. pufnstuf or the banana splits?

'h.r. pufnstuf'...though i preferred 'lidsville', even
more. yay for sid + marty kroft!!!

7. the partridge family or the brady bunch ?

'the brady bunch' (a childhood daily fix)

8. happy Days or welcome back kotter?

'happy days' (another childhood daily fix, along with
'laverne + shirley')

9. punky brewster or small wonder?

never watched either of them.
*dodgingknivesfromvictoria*
(don't get me with your punky power! :P)

10. the facts of life or silver spoons?

'the facts of life'. yet another teen oriented program
i enjoyed, at the time.

laura f

from:
http://www.smattering.org/archives/00000762.php

friday five (08/30/02):

1. what's your favorite piece of clothing that you currently own?

my long faded denim skirt + my dark brown sweater, is my current favourite. my ever-favourite is my simple black dress.

2. what piece of clothing do you most want to acquire?

i would like one of those duster sweaters in black + a patchwork skirt.

3. what piece of clothing can you not bring yourself
to get rid of? why?

my simple black dress. i've had it for about eight years + i still love it. it is one of those things that i always feel pretty + comfortable in, no matter what.

4. what piece of clothing do you look your best in?

that black dress.

5. what has been your biggest fashion accident?

*giggles*. i have many.
one was when i decided i had to have a pair of striped, b+w tights to wear dancing one sunday night. i didn't have much time + bought up the first pair i could find...even though i wasn't sure they would fit. i'm rather tall, + longwaisted, so it isn't always easy to find tights that fit. well, these did *not* fit. they were too short. but, i wore them anyway...thinking i'd *make* them work. ha!

while dancing they slid down + the next thing i knew they were down around my ankles! i ran to the bathroom + ended up having to throw them away. ugh. the outfit i was wearing was *not* something to wear with bare legs. i remember begging my friend, kate, to leave...but she didn't want to. oh those b+w tights!
*shudder* ;)

laura f

which mr. men/little miss are you?
take the quiz & find out! :)
quiz made by jaded_dazey

i haven't been writing lately.
i mean real writing.
not that *this* isn't real.
i found one of my poems on the internet. randomly. i just happened upon it.
it was like suddenly meeting yourself at a cafe, in a strange town, unexpectedly.
it caught me off guard.
for a moment i was reading it as if it were someone else.
not bad, i thought. familiar. wait. it's me.
surreal.

days start in such an odd way when it is really night when you wake.
the house dark. still.
no signs of life anywhere.
the sky dark. the air thick.
as i turn on her bedroom light she covers her eyes with one tiny hand.
then peaks between her fingers at me. smiles.
she is starting to wake everytime with a smile. it's contagious. the smiles.

so i picked her up and brought her back to my room. under the covers.
i sang to her softly.
he was still asleep next to us. dreaming. snoring.
his hand over his eyes, just like her.

in the next room they were crashed out.
girl sleepovers are exhausting.
i peak in.
magazines. blankets. cd cases.
reminants of a ten year old, and her best friend's, friday night.
they don't even notice me.
i shut the door and let them drift and float in dreams.

and the house is still dark.
quiet.
she has fallen back asleep.
i cover her feet with the fuzzy animal blanket.
she likes the aligator the best.
like the one on the wall. she speaks to him every morning.
i wonder what she says.

i could go back to bed.
i could.
but there is something so precious about stealing these moments.
alone.
thinking.
typing.
wondering when the words will come back.
when i'll write again.

wait, am i writing now?

laura f

You are an angel.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

this week has been so random.
i feel like i've been swimming around in the ocean.
sometimes choosing my direction.
other times being swept up in the current and tossed around.
occasionally finding myself lying on the warm sand.
at times finding myself sinking into the deep. tangled.
good thing i know how to swim.

i feel stronger today. more rested. yet a bit weary, breathless.
i think i'm sitting here trying to sort through it all. the week and the different colour fish i came in contact with.
what they meant. what they stand for. where i should swim to next.

i think today i'll float around a bit. stare up at the clouds, later the stars.
i need a bit of a mental break. a chance to gather up my thoughts and sew them into a pattern that fits, for me.
wrap it around me, and dive back in. unafraid. sharks and all.

laura f

(inspired by caroline)

todays thankful's:

1. that julia goes to an amazing school. we went to open house last night and i met all her fantastic teachers. they are really incredible. her regular teacher talked to me for a half hour about julia's reading level and how she loves to write. then i got to meet julia's art teacher -- the room he has is so keen. all this art on the walls, by both masters and students. and there is just this creative and warm feeling about the room. and music all the time. he was a neat person, too, very warm and full of spunk. we also met the theatre teacher, who was energetic and hilarious. the school gives the kids a choice of being involved in theatre/choir, band or orchestra. julia chose the theatre/choir group. it looks as if she is going to have an really good year.

2. the support and love of some of my friends who e-mailed me yesterday, or listened to me rant. i appreciate it more than words can say.

3. that i had the courage to confront my bosses about my job situation. i insisted that they give me a raise if they expect me to do all this added work and responsibility. after i did it i was rather scared of what the reaction would be. but, when i came in this morning both bosses approached me (at different times) and said that after this labor day weekend they would sit down with me and discuss my raise -- and that i was right to bring it up. i don't know what it will be, but i know i will get something. but more than anything i was proud of myself for saying/doing something about it.

4. my beautiful daughters.

5. music. always.

laura f

(inspired by caroline)

todays thankful's:

1. that julia goes to an amazing school. we went to open house last night and i met all her fantastic teachers. they are really incredible. her regular teacher talked to me for a half hour about julia's reading level and how she loves to write. then i got to meet julia's art teacher -- the room he has is so keen. all this art on the walls, by both masters and students. and there is just this creative and warm feeling about the room. and music all the time. he was a neat person, too, very warm and full of spunk. we also met the theatre teacher, who was energetic and hilarious. the school gives the kids a choice of being involved in theatre/choir, band or orchestra. julia chose the theatre/choir group. it looks as if she is going to have an really good year.

2. the support and love of some of my friends who e-mailed me yesterday, or listened to me rant. i appreciate it more than words can say.

3. that i had the courage to confront my bosses about my job situation. i insisted that they give me a raise if they expect me to do all this added work and responsibility. after i did it i was rather scared of what the reaction would be. but, when i came in this morning both bosses approached me (at different times) and said that after this labor day weekend they would sit down with me and discuss my raise -- and that i was right to bring it up. i don't know what it will be, but i know i will get something. but more than anything i was proud of myself for saying/doing something about it.

4. my beautiful daughters.

5. music. always.

laura f

i used to think i could heal him.
that there was something i could do to make the waves settle.
to make him land on dry land. cool and calm. even. balanced.
i was foolish. although my intentions were love-filled. hopeful.

it's been a long time since i've seen this.
the depression spiraling into the high intensity of sorrow and anxiety and every other emotion that can spring from him.
and i sat there quietly.
trying to hold on to me. breathing. saying inside my head "you don't have to ride along."
and i told him, "i can't fix you. and you can't fix you, alone. you need to do something about this."
i told him there was more at stake than just him. or me. or us.
for a moment he believed me. i just don't know if he'll act on it.

he is afraid of being numb. of being over-medicated. of being labeled and misunderstood.
all these are valid fears to him. real. enough to not want to seek help.
but i'm afraid that this will destroy him eventually. that it will effect everything around him. and us.

i know this isn't how things are all the time.
i know i've gotten past trying to fix it. or trying to take the blame.
but, i really don't know what to do now.
sitting back and watching. second-guessing. being ready to react, or not react - it just isn't enough for me.

i wish his mind was more at peace.

on a different note, mary's art show was keen.
favourite piece of all of us was the monster. you can see it here: http://photos.yahoo.com/bc/finswithin/lst?.dir=/Veronica+and+friends&.view=t

it is toward the very end of the pictures. doesn't mary look proud of that monster?

julia's first day of school was today. she woke up at 12:30 am thinking she had overslept. i was downstairs with veronica when i hear someone running down the stairs. i see her. face flushed and eyes wide. "i overslept!!! i need to get my breakfast or i'm going to be late!" i had to keep my giggles inside as i said "jules, it's the middle of the night. go back to bed, silly girl."

she laughed with me, about it, this morning.

she was so nervous and excited. i bought her some "locker things" last night as a surprise. this is a big deal. a locker. a new school, because she's in "middle school" now. sparkly and shiny new school supplies. new clothes. i loved that first day of school feeling. nothing really is quite that same way. that fresh start. and a new backpack (or messanger bag, as julia has).

both of my girls are beautiful.

note to self: don't forget about you.

laura f

i'm okay when everything is not okay.
some days that is more true than others.
today, for instance.
i barely slept, if i even slept at all. hard to tell. i remember fading briefly, and then the alarm.
i don't think my eyes were closed enough to dream.

dave is in a blue funk.
he is on that end of the spectrum again.
the one where the depression kicks in.
there has been a long while in-between this time.
work pushed it for him.
and though i understand his exasperation and the reasons he quit, i have a hard time taking it in.
my situation is equally, if not more so, screwed up - but i don't have the option to quit.

i never have the option to quit.

and all of this should be weighing me down.
breaking me.

but today i laughed. a lot.
tonight is one of my friends art show. and we're going.
i have a picture of my daughters smiling at each other as my wallpaper.
i got a new cd in the mail.

sometimes i'm good despite the world sucking.

it just happens that way, i guess.

laura f

friday five:
from: http://www.smattering.org/archives/00000759.php

1. what is your current occupation? is this what you chose to be doing at this point in your life? why or why not?

currently i work as a media planner at an ad agency. this is not anything i plotted at to do in my life, i pretty much fell into advertising. i was in between jobs, after being laid off, and was sent to an ad agency via a temp service/job recruiter. at the time i loved it...but, i worked in a different arena of advertising, with some really keen people. i ended up in media through a friend, and in the pursuit for more income/room to grow/career path. and here i am. i feel somewhat stuck in this career, at the moment, as i have some history and experience in it *and* i'm quite good at it...but, and this is a big but, i don't like it.

2. if time/talent/money were no object, what would your dream occupation be?

i would teach theatre and creative writing, part time. i would write poetry and features for a magazine like jane or venus or bust. the rest of the time i'd spend with my family.

3. what did/do your parents do for a living? has this had any influence on your career choices?

my mother was a stay at home parent until i was sixteen. at that point, she started working for richard simmons. she designed clothing for an exercise line he had, and worked as a counselor and manager in one of his now defunct gyms. after that she worked for the adam walsh foundation managing their call center for missing and exploited children. after that she worked for two different chiropractors as an office manager. then she worked in human resources at a university of phoenix. currently she is trying to get a business started doing promotions and party planning for companies and she wants to one day open a bed and breakfast. she has never been satisfied with her jobs for very long and thinks she'd be happiest as her own boss. like my grandfather, she has very entrepreneural blood.
i didn't grow up with my father. from what i know, he has worked with the telecommunications business since my grandfather helped him get his first job at pacific bell, back when he was twenty years old.

i don't think either of them have influenced my career/work choices -- but i do think i have the same hard time being satisfied with a job for very long, as my mother does. i don't know why, though.

4. have you ever had to choose between having a career and having a family?

yes. i'm struggling with that right now. trying to find the balance of it, and feel good about my choices. it is really hard. harder than i anticipated.

when julia was born i was doing it alone, for the most part i had no support from her father (and never have), so i just knew i had to work. there was no other thought in it. i just did it. and for the first year of her life, i was lucky to have found a at home job i could do...so i spent that first baby-year with her. it was an experience i would never trade.

now i feel like i have choices. i feel like there are changes i could make to make it so i could be with veronica more, in this important year, and after. some of the things i need to do is find a closer job and possibly one i could do part of the time from home. i could also go back to school and get my teaching credentials, that way i could work the same hours as both my kids at some point.
some days these options seem completely unattainable and i feel overwhelmed with what to do. but, the truth is, they are attainable...i just need to get over my fear and sedatary/familiar comfort and work at it.

5. in your opinion, what is the easiest job in the world? what is the hardest? why?

the easiest job would be doing something you love. the hardest is doing something you either hate or are not appreciated and/or taken advantage of with. imo.

laura f

top ten movie characters, i most relate to:

alyssa jones ('chasing amy')
claude ('all over me')
lelaina pierce ('reality bites')
joan ('playing by heart')
anais ('henry and june')
sally nash ('the anniversary party')
anita hoffman ('steal this movie')
claire tourneur ('until the end of the world')
syd ('high art')
lula fortune ('wild at heart')

lyrics for today: 'hard candy' counting crows

if anything
it should have been
a better thing

from underneath you
staring at the ceiling
there’s another world
of chocolate bars and baseball cards
that hides inside of all
this tension that I’m feeling

but It’s all inside of you
yeah, it’s all inside of you

surprise surprise
i miss your hair, you miss my eyes
and all this solitude
is my confidence eroding
so we slide inside of
someone’s mouth and someone’s eyes
until there’s a sound
of something intimate exploding

but it's all inside of you
yeah, it’s all inside of you
it's all inside of you
it's all inside of you

i wish that i was anesthetized
and sterilized and then
we wouldn’t have this evidence congealing

surprise surprise,
another pair of lips and eyes
and that is the consequence
of actually feeling
It was all inside of you

it was all inside of you
it was all inside of you
it was all inside of you
it was all inside of you

good music.
there is nothing quite like a string of good music to make a morning better.
i'm stuck with just radio on my long drive to work, so it is always only luck if there will be anything good to hear.
this morning i was lucky.
and i celebrated by having my own little car concert.
lots of cheesy songs from the seventies, but it made me smile.
i felt like dancing. pulling off the road and saying that work just isn't necessary today.
i think it would be better just to dance.

but, i didn't.
i'm here now. work.
and i'm determined to have a good day.
the weekend is peaking at me. waving. i'm almost to the end of the tunnel of a very rough week.
and i feel okay. better than i have.

and now there is more music.
beth orton. azure ray. peter gabriel.
not a bad way to continue today.

laura f

things i want to learn:
1. to play guitar
2. to live my life without feeling responsible for everyone's happiness
3. yoga
4. to build a webpage
5. to speak/write spanish
6. how to do assorted crafts
7. what i want to do for a career
8. to rollarblade
9. to scuba dive
10. how to do hairstyles (different braids, twists, updo's, etc.)
11. to learn to let things go
12. photography and developing
13. how to get published

things i want to own:
14. a cd burner
15. the mscl dvd set
16. many cds (the list is way too long)
17. a better stereo
18. a new car
19. a bicycle (with a baby seat)
20. a cell phone
21. a pug
22. another computer just for me
23. a teen shelter
24. a house in california

places i want to visit:
25. amsterdam
26. france
27. greece
28. spain
29. new orleans, louisiana
30. new york
31. boston, massachusetts
32. hungary
33. england
34. scotland
35. san francisco
36. italy
37. australia
38. denmark

JOURNEYS I WANT TO TAKE:
39. a route 66 road trip
40. the relationship i'm in
41. train trip through europe
42. photo safari in africa
43. follow a band on a full tour
44. bicycle tour of ireland
45. photo tour of the pyramids in egypt
46. time travel to 1920s paris
47. a listee trip (meeting everyone)
48. backpacking through europe
49. a random adventue. a car. some friends. good music. no map. no destination. no time element.

GAMES I WANT TO PLAY:
50. the simpsons monopoly
51. kickboxing
52. pool
53. bowling
54. darts
55. yoga
56. scattagories
57. gother than thou ;)

exciting experiencs i want to have:
58. acting again
59. going back to school
60. having something i've written published
61. lots of travel
62. watching my daughters grow up
63. interview tori amos
64. write for jane magazine
65. scuba diving
66. open a teen shelter

animal experiences i want to have:
67. see the underwater animals
68. own a pug
69. african photo safari
70. see a panda bear up close

things i want to contribute to human knowledge:
71. more tolerance for differences
72. the need for peace
73. acceptance of different religions
74. a cure for aids
75. the cure for AIDs
76. positive body images for everyone
77. more compassion when the justice system deals with abuse and rape victims
78. universal human rights
79. how to recycle everything we use
80. how to forgive our parents
81. that no one ever needs to hurt another person, ever

i want to do to be comfortable with my appearance:
82. lose weight in a healthy way
83. haircut
84. colour my hair
85. join a gym
86. learn and practice yoga
87. kickboxing and pilates
88. eat well and healthy

media appearances i want to make:
89. a character on 'six feet under'
90. a character in a david lynch film
91. a guest character on 'gilmore girls'
92. a voice on 'the simpsons'
93. the daily show
94. a character in a new bedford falls show

excessive ambitions i have:
95. to read every book on my to-read list
96. to travel the entire world

friendships i want to make:
97. a friendship with someone who has artistic goals and wants to work on them together (writing, film, etc.)
98. a few close friends who live close to me
99. my existing close friends to live closer
100. various artists that i admire

laura f

disturbing.
i watched a show on rape at lunch with mary.
they spoke of the millions of "rape kits" that lie untouched in police backrooms and basements.
many of them containing dna evidence that could match and possibly convict rapists.
even more disturbing were the statistics.
one out of three women.
every 2 minutes, everyday.
it just turns me to ice. hurts my heart as if someone were picking away at it with an ice pick.
why is there so much of this in the world?
why is there so much violence towards women?
and why is the government so willing and able to spend money on war and the military and weapons, but not on helping fund the investigations and testing needed to delve into these "rape kits", convict the rapists that otherwise can go on and victimize other women, and finally give the victims some closure.

the u.s. police system and government never ceases to anger me. enrage me.
just as an individual i know how they can neglect a sexual crime on women. how they can attempt to shift the blame on the woman. how they treat the crime as minor and virtually meaningless.
i know that if i had been treated with care and respect when i first dealt with the police and justice system i would have reported the rape i later fell victim to as a young adult. but what kind of faith could i have possibly had, at nineteen, when the system failed me so much at sixteen?
the accusations. the doubt. the harsh words. the pushing around. the insignificance they placed on 12 years of abuse.
how could i have thought they would have treated me any different that time.
though now i sit here and wonder - did he hurt anyone else? did my deciding not to report the rape just keep him believing that what happened was consensual? that it was okay? are there other women out there trying to sew their lives back together after falling victim to him?
even now, after years of therapy, and really finding peace with everything - i still have it in me. the fear. the anger. the guilt.
i don't know that it ever goes away.

what kind of world is this?
i wonder.
i try to be so hopeful about the world. humanity. i try to believe that it is humanity. or rather that humanity is a good thing.
i look at my two daughters and want their lives to be positive. for them to get through this life as unharmed as possible. to not be scarred.to not be the one in three.
i don't want anyone to be that one in three.

but how much is it possible to protect them? i try. but will that be enough?

disturbing.

laura f

under construction.
no, not my life. well, wait, yes - my life, too. always.
but, what i mean is this blog.
for some reason, a few days ago i noticed that my entire template was blank.
i have no idea how this happened.
perhaps the template faeries came by and took it. who knows.
but now i'm slowly re-building my links.
not an easy task, as i was adding to them as i went along. a bit of a bookmark thing. and now i don't remember all that was there.
so, if you were once a link and are not, it is nothing personal.
simply me trying to clean up and rebuild after those faeries had their way with my template.

laura f

it's 66 degrees. light rain. monday. i've been here at work for over an hour and it all feels so surreal. i feel like the person who used to sit in this cubicle is gone for good. that she transferred to some distant planet. and i have mistakenly taken her place. everybody thinks i'm her. everybody thinks i'm here. but i feel like a stranger in a distant land.
last night was rough. my emotions came out in a downpour of tears. the storm outside matched my insides. i sat on the couch just holding veronica and sobbing. i thought i'd be more ready. i thought i'd be more together. but i'm not. even as i left this morning i was choking back tears. one more look. just one more touch.
i feel like i'm missing a thousand moments with her. i feel like i'm missing a huge chunk of my life.
they say it will get easier. they say it will fall into place. but i think they are thinking of her, the girl who sat here before. looked like me. talked like me. but the me i am today is changed. and i don't know that this me will ever get used to this.

laura f

lyrics for today: 'justify my love' madonna

i wanna kiss you in paris
i wanna hold your hand in rome
i wanna run naked in a rainstorm
make love in a train cross-country
you put this in me
so now what, so now what?

wanting, needing, waiting
for you to justify my love

hoping, praying
for you to justify my love

i want to know you
not like that
i don't wanna be your mother
i don't wanna be your sister either
i just wanna be your lover
i wanna be your baby
kiss me, that's right, kiss me

wanting, needing, waiting
for you to justify my love

hoping, praying
for you to justify my love

yearning, burning
for you to justify my love

what are you gonna do?
what are you gonna do?
talk to me -- tell me your dreams
am i in them?
tell me your fears
are you scared?
tell me your stories
i'm not afraid of who you are
we can fly!

poor is the man
whose pleasures depend
on the permission of another
love me, that's right, love me
i wanna be your baby

wanting, needing, waiting
for you to justify my love

hoping, praying
for you to justify my love

i'm open and ready
for you to justify my love
to justify my love
wanting, to justify
waiting, to justify my love
praying, to justify
to justify my love
i'm open, to justify my love

Take the Which Madonna Video Are You? Quiz

i wonder when the time will come when i stop being hurt by my father's actions, or lack of actions.
i wonder if that time will ever come.
i wonder why i let myself be hurt by this.
i wonder why i even try to open doors that always slam back in my face.

i found a webpage today for my father's mother's side of the family. my grandmother who i don't really know.
through it i found out my sister lexee got married, as did said grandmother.
this all happened this year.
and yet my father never bothered to even let me know of these events.
not even a letter or an e-mail or a phone call.

i also sent photos of veronica to him.
his second grandchild.
and nothing.

julia still asks what she did wrong to make her grandfather not talk to her anymore.

how do i answer that when i can't answer it for myself?

and why does this still hurt me?

i should be so used to this by now.

laura f

lyrics for today: 'that particular time' alanis morissette

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself….i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time

laura f

1. julia + her best friend maranda
2. veronica
3. laughter
4. music, always music
5. dave's sense of humour
6. memory
7. the ability to know that things do get better
8. love
9. planning to see my best friend in october
10. hearing "you are a good mom", and believing it
11. being okay with me

laura f

today has been odd.
i feel winded from the emotional rollercoaster i rode.
my insides feel sticky. my thoughts jangly. my eyes sore.
i'm having a harder time than i anticipated with my impending return to work.
and this was topped off today by one of those fights that take over and you don't know how to stop them.
words slipping out that you should have sent to a distant planet, and not at people you love.
things said back that sting and still fly in the air, even when you are trying to forget.
and then my work calls. i kept trying to think that the *promises* they made to me were real. that they wouldn't pull the typical screw you action.
i was wrong.
so much for my supposed promotion.
the day just kept spiralling. at one point i just wanted to run as fast as i could out of my life.
and yet here i am. sides sore from laughing.
the maranda, julia + dave show. with guest star veronica, the baby who just learned to giggle.
life is strange.
my family is stranger.
but i love them.
and i hope tomorrow is better than today.

laura f

this is my last week of being home.
this time next week i'll be typing this from work.
i don't know how to express how much i will miss my daughters.
how much i will miss seeing the little daily changes that veronica has.
this morning she discovered her feet. it is as if someone handed her the keys to a magical realm. these feet. an endless supply of excitement.
i wish my life was that simple and pure.
"i wish i was like you, easily amused." (nirvana)
julia returns today from california. i expect there will be some definate adjustments needed. she has been pretty happily spoiled by her 2 week stay at 2 sets of grandparents. i've missed her, though.
she starts school soon. fifth grade. they will even have lockers.
i still have dreams about my locker. weird. i'm not sure what was so significant. but i will dream of standing there, fiddling with the combination. tom next to me singing culture club to me, us laughing. aimee shoving her books into mine. the pictures we would hang up every week. different ones.
so much life in this life. so much it makes my breath pause. so much.

laura f

Your magical style is Angelic.

What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox

it feels like a lazy sunday. barefoot. hair still wet from a long shower. no real need to be anywhere but here today. just be. it feels like a just be day.
i've always loved sundays. always. they've forever had that laziness tint to them. a carefree whisper. naps and bookreading. conversations in the late afternoon with a vanilla latte or mocha and a good friend.
sunday was once my dancing day. 1970. my favourite of the hollywood clubs i once frequented. the night would begin early on. kate and i trying on outfit after outfit. we were champions of hiding our poverty. trading pieces of clothing to create something new. and it worked. we would trade off who would get to choose the playlist for the ride out there. we had boxes full of mixed tapes. each one made with care. we would sing along at the top of our lungs. smoking clove cigarettes and puckering our lipsticked smiles. sometimes the drive there was better than the night itself. sometimes.

later on. my first apartment. i worked six days a week and went to school. sunday was my one day off. i never liked to spend it alone so i would cook up these "sunday feasts" and invite everyone i could think of over. after awhile people would just saunter in on a sunday, wait for the smells of that night's creation to waft through the door and invite them in. the night always ended late. pillows on the floor. words and music colliding from wall to person to mouth to wall.

today i will write. i will take a nap. i will stay barefoot and carefree. i will play with veronica. i will sing out loud. i will dance around the kitchen as i make a big pot of spaghetti. and i will wish more of my friends lived closer to come by and be. just be.

laura f

my favourite of tori's b-sides :D




Which Tori Amos B-Side are you?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.

i'm back.

i was in california for five days visiting my family,
and some friends.

i haven't been back to california for over two years,
and though i knew i missed certain things about it
(the ocean, friends, familiarity) -- i didn't really
think i'd feel so much longing to be back as i do now
that i'm back in michigan.

i also wasn't sure i'd enjoy this trip. i stayed with
my mother and her new husband. all my life my mother
and i have had trouble getting along. we would have
good spells, but they were always shadowed by
troubles. those who have known me for awhile know how
painful our relationship has been at times. so, even
though i wanted to see my family -- and have them meet
baby veronica -- i was really hesitant on how it would
all turn out.

the surprise of the trip, for me, was how well we got
on together. perhaps the miles and years between us
have done us good. or it could be that i've grown
more, learned to stay strong in who i am. or maybe it
is just have developed an acceptance of who my mother
is, what her limitations are, and what good there is
despite the problems. i don't know. i do know that i
had a wonderful time and was wishing i had actually
chosen to stay longer.

julia is still there. she spent one week with her
other grandparents and arrived at my mom's the day
before i left to come home. she will be back next
week. she, in her words, is having a super cool time.

one of the big things that happened on this trip is i
finally was able to find some peace and forgiveness
with my brother. i didn't think i could get to this,
in my lifetime, i was sure it was impossible. but, for
those who claim that forgiveness heals, they are
right. i feel about fifty pounds lighter without that
anger and resentement in me.

the other good stuff was a lot of laughter. watching
margaret cho with my mother. seeing my friends chuck,
star and mick. mexican food. a very keen jacuzzi.
shopping. the ocean. great conversations. and gorgeous
weather. swimming with julia. introducing everyone to
veronica. standing on the sand at the beach with my
daughters. a great coffee house with live music and a
sign that said "if it's too loud, go to starbucks".
funky record, book and clothing stores.

i now really miss california. i miss my friends there.
i miss the ocean. i miss places i just love there.
shops. music. los angeles. santa monica. palm trees.
the diversity. the familiarity. the radio stations,
even. and, even though i didn't think i'd ever say
this, my family.

so now i'm not sure what to do. while i was there i
saw some great job opportunities working at one of the
movie studios (both mgm and fox) and found out about a
teaching program at pasadena college i could do part
time, to get my teaching degree. but, i hate to move
julia again, and i think dave really likes it here. he
has friends and feels settled. but, when i'm really
honest with myself, i want to go back. so, now what?

oh. and veronica is now red hot ;) while at the los
angeles airport i was standing in line to go through
the security check and this guy in front of me was
talking to me and talking to veronica. i kept thinking
he looked familiar, but i couldn't place him. i kept
thinking maybe i knew him from school or a friend of a
friend or something. we ended up at the other end of
security and still talking. he then looks and sees a
group of guys coming his way and says "flea! you've
got to see this baby!" i then realize i've been
talking all that time with john frusciante!!! (hi
jamie!!!) the rest of the guys come over (flea,
anthony, a guy i didn't recognize and their security).
flea gets down on his knees and talks to veronica in
her stroller, making faces at her and laughing. he
told me "i can barely remember when my daughter was
this small!" i wish i'd had a camera with me, but the
one disposable camera i had was used up and i had
decided not to bring the digital for fear i'd lose it.
damn. but one day i'll tell her how she met the red
hot chili peppers in the l.a. airport and how they
loved her :D they were all so sweet. seriously nice.
i'd met john before, years ago, although he didn't
remember me (he did remember my friend rachel, who he
dated for awhile, though). he said "well, i wasn't
quite the same then." (understatement). then we went
on our separate way.

it was a good time.

laura f

I'm Claire, who are you? Six Feet Under Quiz by Turi.

i'm having a really good time visiting my family.
who'd have thought?

'course there still is three more days. but, maybe two years and many miles between us has been a good thing.
or perhaps i'm just really more together than i thought i was.

who knows. i'm just happy to be happy, i think.

laura f

Primary Ability: Farseeker Farseekers posses the ability to communicate over great distances via telepathy. They are great friends who know when they're needed, and seem to be able to detect others thoughts.
Secondary Ability: Empath Empaths posess the ability to feel the emotions of others. They are gentle people, who encourage and nurture others. They percieve the world with their hearts and not with their minds. Empaths make great friends because they understand people.
What is your Misfit Talent?

i loved these, too...though the books i had as a kid were called mad libs...



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laura f

tee hee.
i used to do these my sophmore year of high school, in these big spiral bound notebooks.
thanks to jen for sharing this link! go try it out :D



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laura f