diving into the waves of time

2003-01-04T20:06:00.000-05:00

'you can't hide from change'
12/29/02

your eyes flick back at me,
daunting, knowing,
reflecting the question i threw
up into the air.

for you to catch,
for you to throw back,
at me.

for you to throw away.

you have no answers for me,
i know.

no map of the world to spread out,
pin up,
trace with a magic marker.

"here's where we'll go, babe,
and then here,
with your hair pinned back,
my arm wrapped around you.
slurpees and mars bars,
for the road.
you and me, kid.
you and me."

spread your lies,
spread your paranoia,
spread your legs, sweetheart.

all for her,
all for him,
all for us,
all for me.

and you ask me if i am afraid to change,
without opening your mouth,
that tongue-tied up in knots,
robbed of beauty.

i lie back and stare at the plastic stars on the ceiling,
fifty to a package,
glow in the dark.

"hey baby, it's the fourth of july."

i wish i could crawl into the song,
sit on your front step,
with a cigarette,
wait for you to come back and say i'm sorry,
again.

and i avoid your gaze,
chip the paint off the wall.

try to think of ten thousand ways to sign my name,
where i put the curls and loops,
the flair,
the heavier push on the pen,
leaving those indentations on the page,
my mark.

no, i don't fear change,
i like the feel of the clinking in my back pocket,
the smile from a stranger,
with a stain on their soul,
ripped hole in the arm of my sweater.

"can i help you, ma'am?"

"hello, my name is...
my name is,
my name is..."

i long for the re-identity,
a new mask,
new paint on the walls,
that new soul smell.

i live for second-chances,
first days,
ears that haven't heard my boring old tales a million and a day,
again and again.

like you, my dear.
like you.

yet i loathe the forgetting i'll do,
the names that will blur in my head,
directions to that little taco stand.

what was it you liked so much?

how the ice machine clamoured,
where you got that scar.

i'll miss that.
i will

and, now your eyes begin to close,
with a whisper,
a frozen denial that slides between us.

can you feel it?

under the bedsheets,
through our fingertips,
the kink in your hair,
my breath on the back of your neck.

"i know we'll never change."

laura f

2003-01-04T19:49:00.000-05:00

i have a livejournal now.
i am going to be doing my main writing there.
but, i'm going to post my poetry here.

here is my new link: http://www.livejournal.com/users/seasoulsky/

laura f

2002-11-21T17:08:00.000-05:00

i miss writing here.
i miss having the time to write in here.
but work is so insane right now. i don't anticipate having my life back to normal until next year.

i have been writing a novel, though. well, working on one.
originally it was for the nanowrimo challenge. the "write a novel in the month of november".
i was excited to do it, but with work and life i realized i couldn't keep up.

but, the good thing about it is it got me motivated to write a novel that has been building in my mind for years.
it needs work. it is a definate work-in-progress. but, it is available online to read. to follow along on the process.

right now it is here: http://breathingunderwater.blogspot.com/

i'm looking for a better home for it, though. if anyone decides to read it you have to read it backwards. the page that comes up is the most current chapter.

again, this needs work still. but, feedback is very very very much appreciated.
e-mail me at finswithin@yahoo.com with any thoughts, ideas, comments, song requests, etc.

until 2003.

laura f

2002-10-21T09:24:00.000-04:00

from 'ghost world'.

well, at least my hair is.

what a little haircut and dye can do :D

laura f

2002-10-18T10:40:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'have you seen me lately' counting crows (did you expect anything else? ;))

get away from me
get away from me, this isn't gonna be easy
but i don't need you
believe me

you got a piece of me
but it's just a little piece of me
and i don't need anyone
and these days i feel like i'm fading away

like sometimes when i hear myself on the radio
have you seen me lately?
have you seen me lately?

i was out on the radio starting to change
somewhere out in america,
it's raining
could you tell me one thing you remember about me
and have you seen me lately?

i remember me
and all the little things that make up a memory
like she said she loved to watch me sleep
like she said:
"it's the breathing, it's the breathing in and out and in and..."

have you seen me lately?

i was out on the radio starting to change
somewhere out in america
it's raining
could you tell me one thing you remember about me
and have you seen me lately?

i guess i thought that someone would notice
i guess i thought somebody would say something
if i was missing

can't you see me?

come on color me in
come on color me in
give me your blue rain
give me your black sky
give me your green eyes
come on give me your white skin
come on give me your white skin
come on give me your white skin

i was out on the radio starting to change
somewhere out in america,
it's raining

could you tell me one thing you remember about me
and have you seen me lately?

have you seen me lately

2002-10-18T10:35:00.000-04:00

i've been seriously absent here, as of late.
it hasn't been for lack of words to say. my thoughts have been spinning and shooting through my skin lately.
but i have let my busy life and my need to keep some of me inside, keep me silent.
i'm never good with silence, though.
i've always had this burning need to share myself -- even when i was that shy child or adolescence that was once me.
even then i wrote. letters. diaries. stories to myself, in my head.
i think back on my life then, especially as a teenager, and think how different it would have been had i had the internet as a source of communication. of reaching out.
maybe it would have caused me to be more inside of myself. more shy and despondent in person.
or, perhaps it would have been the outlet i needed. a place where i could have learned to be myself sooner. to fit within the contents of my skin. my thoughts. my dreams.
who knows.
i do know that lately i've been forcing myself out of myself more.
trying to connect with people around me, even though quite often i see no one in my view that i feel a connection with.
but the only way to learn to connect, to find out if there is possibility, is to try. and i am so tired of being lonely.
this month is a favourite of mine. this month. and this season.
so far this has been an outstanding october. looks as if it will only get better. i see good things on my little october horizon.
last night i stood outside in the cold. i let my eyes gloss over, staring at the halloween lights that julia and i hung on our house. i let the colours bleed and blend. felt the chill on my skin. on the back of my neck. in my hair. i let myself drift. it was a gorgeous feeling.

and i still have adam's voice in my head. yes, i'm a silly giddy girl with this.

laura f~*

2002-10-16T15:58:00.000-04:00

*note* all songs quoted in this review were songs performed in last night's concert.

whew.
what a night.
i am still reeling in exhaustion and a very delightful counting crows hangover.
i thought i'd take a moment out of my blurry, no-sleep day to write a little review of the show. and the night. while it is all still fresh in me.

warning: expect much rambling, raving and swooning!

"it seems like the daylight is coming and no one is watching, but me." ('goodnight l.a.')

my day started early, per usual. maybe a bit earlier that morning. before the sun. before the rest of the house. i was sleepless with anticipation. and nervousness. i was beyond excited to see one of my all-time favourite bands live -- for the first time. and seeing jen coble again. but, i was also nervous that i would get terribly lost. or be late. i am notorious at being directionally challenged, and getting lost in my own head -- much less anything involving north/south/east/west and roads (fast forward moment: i didn't get lost! yay me!).
i spent the morning buzzing around. picking out an outfit. going over directions. starting dinner, in our crockpot, for the gang. and the usual early morning things. giggles with veronica. raising the morning-un-dead that is julia. i knew that i had a ton of things i had to get done before i could hit the road. i was hoping that it could be done. that i would actually get *there*.

"where'd you come from? where am i going? why'd you leave me 'till i'm only good for...waiting for you." ('angels in the silences')

waiting. the day dragged. and dragged. and then dragged some more. i got out later than i planned...and then every little thing i had to get done took longer than expected. the bank. getting lost on the way to the cable company (see how i am???). the world's longest train going by. i think i wore my wristwatch out, checking it out. over and again.
but, i finally made it home. ran upstairs. changed. tried to fix my hair. kiss veronica, and fix bottles for her. kiss julia, ask her to tape 'gilmore girls'. make sure everything is set for them, and deal with the pouty faces of a family who just isn't used to me not being there all the time.

and i was dying of wonderings of what jen's big secret was going to be!!!!

"so come dance this silence down through the morning." ('mr. jones')

i was off. only a small delay. getting on the wrong on-ramp to the highway (see? ;)), but i was lucky with no traffic. the road just laid out in front of me, obstacle free. i was sad to not have a tape player in the car. going from state to state can be a nuisance with radio. and i am an obsessive station changer, too. i am just not much of a fan of corporate radio. but, for about 10 minutes or so i found the most amazing radio station (somewhere near lansing, mi). their slogan was "commercial-free alternative". commercial free! can you believe it? and...it wasn't "mtv alternative"...but alternative-alternative. in the short time i could actually tune it in i heard ani difranco, le tigre, sleater-kinney, ben lee and paul westerburg...on the radio!!!! but, sadly the station must have a mouse-sized tower, as they had the weakest signal imaginable. before i even got to get it, it was gone. i want *that* station hard wired to my head anytime i drive! is that too much to ask? ;)

"i've been wandering through the dark, now i'm standing on the lawn." ('if i could give you all my love -or- richard manuel is dead')

before i knew it, though, i was in south bend. cute town. nice little neighborhoods. very college feel. reminds me a lot of ann arbor. and then i was parking my car in front of jen and trevor's adorable house -- with the silly dog warning door mat (with no dog in the house) and the biggest television i've ever seen!

"she is something all together different, never just an ordinary girl." ('hard candy')

there was jen. all glowing and smiles. a good hug. she was bouncing around. talking. being way cute with her husband. putting little girl ponytails in her hair.

and then the secret revealed...

"i think you better turn your ticket in, get your money back at the door." ('omaha')

we had fourth row seats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh my god!!!! i was shocked, amazed, excited. thank you, jen!!!!

"american girls are feathers and cream, coming to bed so edible." ('american girls')

so, i had never had thai food. until last night. and now, thai food will always be synonomous with adam duritz, and the counting crows, to me.
jen and i walked into siam, this very small thai restaurant right near the concert venue. there was a big board up right as you walked in, but since i am a giant i could glimpse the unmistakebable hair of mr. duritz himself. in the restaurant. barely a breath away.
he was there with the band, and crew. three tables full of people. adam was text-messaging and looking quite beautiful. those who know me well know i've had quite the crush on him for ages. well, this just elevated it, let me tell you. i know he has written in his online journal (at the counting crows site) that he has body image issues and hates photographs of himself, but i couldn't help but think "why?". 'course i know how irrational body image can be. but, really...*swoon*.
of course i chickened-out and didn't speak to him. i contemplated an autograph. but, the time didn't ever seem right and it felt rather invasive. he was eating and seemed very busy. but...

"and have you seen me lately?" ('have you seen me lately')

we had a moment. a small one. but, a moment all the same. one of the band members left and his seat was opened. adam stood up and turned to grab his coat (to move over to the open seat) and we caught eyes. just for a moment. that i notice you notice me kind of moment. and he gave me this small smirk of a smile. yeah, you could say that totally made my day. night. week. month. my heart was in my throat and i felt like suddenly i was teleported back to sixteen. *swoon*.

"i can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven', now the days go by so fast." ('a long december')

then he was gone. put on that jacket and walked out the door. the remaining band members and crew followed shortly after. and then some of the other patrons started to gush. a table of three girls all took out their cellphones, simultaneously, and you could hear them saying things like 'you'll never guess who was here'.

thai food rocks! ;)
*giggles*

"i been bummin' around this old town for way too long." ('hanginaround')

it is not often that an opening band gets me. takes me away from my anticipation for the band i actually came to see, and has me entertained. and distracted. in that 'wow. this is cool.' kind of way. the opening act for this show was not one of those not often kind of bands. graham colton group. graham colton being the seemingly egotistical lead singer who could not stop touching his hair, and who jen pointed out sounded like gavin rossdale from bush. the rest of the band, with the exception of the bassist, seemed to be having a competition of who could upstage the other, and flirt with the most girls. strike the most "pretty boy with a guitar" pose. and the songs were very mundane to me. very matchbox twenty. bland. but, adam seemed to like them. he raved. he invited them onstage, during one of the encores, to sing 'hanginaround' with the band. so, maybe i just missed something. but, i remain unimpressed.

"i am the rain king." ('rain king')

and there they were. the rain king and the rest of the band. all incredible. they opened with 'goodnight elisabeth', closed the final encore (there were two) with 'hard candy'.

they played the first half of the show accoustically. something they said they had just tried out in new york. thought they would give it another shot. it was a good choice!

if you have a chance, ever, to see the counting crows. do it. really. don't even think twice. just go.

i've loved their music since the release of their first album, 'august and everything after'. but, seeing them live. hearing the songs. feeling the way they are poured out there. well, the songs will never be the same to me. they have deepened. intensified.

adam gives so much to the audience. so much of himself. he wears the emotions of all the songs all over him. telling their stories with every part of him. the way he stands. moves. uses his hands. posture. his eyes. his expressions.

i've always thought that the songs were deeply personal to adam. that they were pieces of his story/ies. this really solidified it. his ad-libs, too. like whispering "it's not okay" or standing up, right close to the crowd, singing "you are not alone, i am not alone." or, even adding the "fuck" to 'mr. jones'. (adam's comment: "it is a given that in every show i will forget the words to one of the songs, which i just did, and that you will all cheer when i say fuck in 'rain king'. well, that one is your shit to deal with." ;))

it just really feels like his soul is out there. in the music. in the songs. right there in front of you. it is really hard to properly describe how it felt to be there. how swept away i was. how the whole crowd was caught up in it. singing along to *every song*. the energy flooding the whole place.

"i walk along these hillsides In the summer 'neath the sunshine. i am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me. change, change, change." ('a murder of one')

yes!!!! they played it. one of my all-time favourite songs (and not just from the counting crows). this song is so deeply personal to me. so tied up in some big things in my life, some vital times. just hearing the opening notes sent shivers through me. and that welling of tears.
and, wow. i never expected it to be such a show-stopper. or for the audience to be so involved in the song. singing along. passionately.
the ad-libs adam sang. and just his expressions through this song. i felt touched by it. deeply. and so caught up in the music. the need to move. to be part of the moment.

"hop on my choo-choo. i'll be your engine driver in a bunny suit. if you dress me up in pink and white,
we may be just a little fuzzy 'bout it later tonight." ('holiday in spain')

(side note: i loved his story behind this song!)

adam is so personable. such a showman. the rest of the band is incredible, too. don't get me wrong. but, adam was amazing. and silly. and a klutz (yay!). and swore like a sailor. and was very open.

and hurray for both charlie and adam's reminders to check-out the aids assistance missionaries and the ywca's women's shelters for domestic violence booths. and adam's reminder to vote this november -- how it was disgusting that more people voted for 'american idol', than in the elections.

"listen, late last night, heard the screen door slam
and a big yellow taxi took my girl away. don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till it's gone. they paved paradise and put up a parking lot." ('big yellow taxi')

then they were gone. after two electric encores. jen and i tossed around the idea of staying. waiting by the tour bus. but, it was already midnight, my time, so we decided to head home.

it was quite a time. well worth my crazy drive home (me and 80 trucks and horrid construction) that ended in a four hour drive home. but, it was worth it.

thanks, jen!

laura f

2002-09-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'pretty in pink' the psychedelic furs

caroline laughs and it's raining all day
she loves to be one of the girls
she lives in the place in the side of our lives
where nothing is ever put straight
she turns herself round and she smiles and she says
'this is it, that's the end of the joke'
and loses herself in her dreaming and sleep
and her lovers walk through in their coats

she's pretty in pink
isn't she
pretty in pink
isn't she

all of her lovers all talk of her notes
and the flowers that they never sent
and wasn't she easy
and isn't she pretty in pink
the one who insists he was first in the line
is the last to remember her name
he's walking around
in this dress that she wore
she is gone
but the joke's the same

pretty in pink
isn't she
pretty in pink
isn't she

caroline talks to you softly sometimes
she says 'i love you' and 'too much'
she doesn't have anything you want to steal
well, nothing you can touch
she waves
she buttons your shirt
the traffic is waiting outside
she hands you this coat
she gives you her clothes
these cars collide

pretty in pink
isn't she
pretty in pink
isn't she

laura f

2002-09-20T08:42:00.000-04:00

something i wrote about a year ago:

*~musings over a strawberry soda pop afternoon~*

09*01*01

i am stuck on the wall,
i am stuck on your wall,
stuck on the sole of your shoe,
stuck on all that is you.

and i wonder if i will wear down, fade,
peel off in pieces, long and slinking,
the kind that are so fun to peel, so hard to resist,
that damage.

i think i will blend in with the pavement,
pieces of me weaving into the rug, vacuumed up, swept into a dustpan,
drove over and over again,
the dirty kind of clean of this world going by.

or maybe you'll call me art,
put a frame about me, show your friends,
say "look at this i have, she just sits. never moving. never leaves."

and they will come with their "oohs" and their "ahhs",
never really seeing me.

i guess i could just hitch a ride on a passing tire,
travel route sixty-six,
mile ten,
highway eighty.

stop at a roadside attraction,
eat baby ruths, drink great grape slushies,
meet a few "stuck on you" friends along my way.

stuck,
hmmmm, maybe i'm not even stuck, per say,
maybe i'll grow wings,
maybe i'll run away,
or hitch a ride on a star.

fly on out to amsterdam with a guitar,
a pair of blue boots,
and no memory to auction away.

the air is ripe with freedoms,
wrong turns, miscalculations.

the earth lined with pot holes, handcuffs,
polka-dot condoms, marriage vows.

my head is full of dips and dives,
make-up tips, ious and me,
wallpaper paste,
bubble gum giveaways,
and a portion of my soul,
still stuck on with you.

always stuck right onto you.

laura f

2002-09-19T10:26:00.000-04:00

quote of the day: from 'traveling mercies' (anne lamott)

"my coming of faith did not start with a leap but rather a series of staggers from what seemed like one safe place to another. like lily pads, round and green, these places summoned and then held me up while i grew. each prepared me for the next leaf on which i would land, and in this way i moved across the swamp of doubt and fear. when i look back at some of these early resting places i can see how flimsy and indirect a path they made. yet each step brought me closer to the verdant pad of faith on which i somehow stay afloat today."

2002-09-19T09:28:00.000-04:00

from the coupland mailing list:
my 10 summer jeopardy categories:

my top 10 summer jeopardy catagories:

1. veronica (my new daughter, born june 28).
2. two months of not going to work, yes, i couldv'e gotten used to that.
3. trip back home to california, not as issue-filled as anticipated.
4. i miss caffeine.
5. 101 ways to make a new baby smile.
6. the (re)discovery of root beer.
7. margaret cho (love her too much for words).
8. unexpected new friends are the best (julia + sarah).
9. damn good summer reading: 'namedropper' emma forrest, 'kitchen' banana yoshimoto, 'norweigan wood' haruki murakami + 'rules of attraction' bret easton ellis.
10. 'six feet under'!!!!!!!!!!!!!

laura f

2002-09-19T08:50:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'moonchild' cibo matto

moonchild still lives in my heart.
can i ask you something?
is your life better now?

sometimes i feel you're sitting next to me and listening to my stories
time always shows me it's hard to understand how to be myself

moonlight dries your tears, moonlight hides your fears

sometimes i feel you're smiling at me and telling me your memories
tide always moves fast
can you tell me how to find words inside a shell?

laura f

2002-09-19T08:47:00.000-04:00

keen website of the day: http://adbusters.org/home/

kick ass website. makes me feel even more dirty for working in advertising.

laura f

2002-09-17T10:56:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'androgynous' the replacements

'androgynous'
the replacements

here comes dick, he's wearing a skirt
here comes Jane, y'know she's sporting a chain
same hair, revolution
same build, evolution
tomorrow who's gonna fuss?

and they love each other so
androgynous
closer than you know, love each other so
androgynous

don't get him wrong and don't get him mad
he might be a father, but he sure ain't a dad
and she don't need advice that's sent at her
she's happy with the way she looks
she's happy with her gender

mirror image, see no damage
see no evil at all
kewpie dolls and urine stalls
will be laughed at
the way you're laughed at now

now, something meets boy, and something meets girl
they both look the same
they're overjoyed in this world
same hair, revolution
unisex, evolution
tomorrow who's gonna fuss?

and tomorrow dick is wearing pants
and tomorrow janie's wearing a dress
future outcasts and they don't last
and today, the people dress the way that they please
the way they tried to do in the last centuries

laura f

2002-09-17T10:05:00.000-04:00

from word of the day - decimate:

'the game'
09/17/02

the day begins early, sun slowly creeping up the sides of morning,
he reaches into the closet of suspicions, to the top shelf,
on tip-toes to reach all that hidden doubt, covered in dust and decay.

we sit at the table, facing each other, covered in sweat and bruised egos, denial.
breakfast toast and tea, a cup of coffee, this is what should spread in front of us, us two.
but instead it is this troubled board game, bored game, and he hands it to me,
the 3-year sided dice to roll.

roll away, spin the bottle, the charts, the lines.
he decimates me with his language, the words and meanings, his go to jail demands.
i pass go, without my pay, or justification. i run the circles of this game with him, without a pass, bankrupt already.
we shuffle the children, the cable television, hand-holds and kisses goodnight,
now it's his turn, now it's mine.

our turns run into nothing at all. nothing at all. nothing. roll again.

the sun starts to make it's decline, alone, the night sky turning black and blue.
we should be dancing, making love, sharing our day and plans, reading each other's book with our eyes.
but he wants one more turn, one more run, one more roll of the dice.
he wants to win more than he wants this, the game is slowly taking over. my silence is the endings.

but we keep playing.

laura f

2002-09-12T16:20:00.000-04:00

quote of the day: tori amos, q magazine, may 1994

"there is room for everybody on the planet to be creative and conscious if you are your own person. if you’re trying to be like somebody else, then there isn’t."

laura f

2002-09-12T16:06:00.000-04:00

i feel a bit drained today.
it's nearing the end of the week. that could be some of it.
lack of sleep is always a culprit, too.
i feel emotionally drained, as well as physically.
things are smoother right now, but nowhere near solved.
sometimes i can push it out of my mind. sometimes i just can't.
today i'd like to hike up to the top of a mountain and find a big, friendly tree to sleep below.
there are so many gorgeous trees here in michigan.
different than california (though the redwoods are spectacular, and i do miss palm trees).
i walk veronica outside everynight at dusk and we talk to "friend trees".
she reaches up and feels the leaves, as the wind lightly caresses her baby cheeks.
julia asked why we talk to the trees, with a bit of that eye-roll, "oh mom" kind of look.
but she goes out there with us. does cartwheels and handstands. tells me how her day was.
i'd take those girls of mine with me to the mountain, too. another time. when i didn't want to sleep there.
we could lie on the grass and find cloudy shapes. tell them to veronica. and let her meet new trees.
julia could sing. or jump. or just roll her eyes at me.
anything at all. just us. on a mountain. with friend trees.

laura f

2002-09-12T15:11:00.000-04:00

keen website of the day: http://www.christad.homestead.com/

new artist discovery. yay. i especially like 'plain jane' + 'emerald city'

laura f~*

2002-09-12T13:28:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'displaced' azure ray

it's just a simple line
i can still hear it all of the time
if i can just hold on tonight
i know that nothing
nothing survives
nothing survives

i think i'm turned all around
i'm looking up
not looking down
and when i'm standing still
watching you run
watching you fall
fall into me

am i making something worthwhile
out of this place
am i making something worthwhile
out of this chase
i am displaced
i am displaced

and she's my friend of all friends
she's still here when everyone's gone
she doesn't have to say a thing
we'll just keep laughing
all night long
all night long

am i making something worthwhile
out of this place
am i making something worthwhile
out of this chase
i am displaced
i am displaced

it's just a simple line
i can still hear it all of the time
if i can just hold on tonight
i know that no one
no one survives
no one survives.

laura f

2002-09-11T10:16:00.000-04:00

quote of the day:

local radio dj, september 11, 2002, 7:50am.

"we just had word from the local hospital that five babies have been born already this morning. something to warm us today. new life."

2002-09-11T10:14:00.000-04:00

hard to know what to say today. what to feel.
in some ways this is a new day.
veronica woke up earlier than usual. before 4am.
and though i was tired, her smile and laughter just gave me such a lift.
and julia, trying to make something happy out of the day.
"i think we should be happy that we all are here. and that it is maranda's birthday."
maranda is her best friend.
it is her birthday today.
the second year in a row of having her birthday surrounded by sadness.
that makes me sad, too.
i guess, for me, i want to feel hopeful today.
i want to surround my family with happiness and love.
and maybe that offends people. that i can smile today.
maybe it is inappropriate.
but it is what i choose to do today.
even though i know the sadness, too.

laura f~*

2002-09-11T10:10:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'this woman's work' kate bush

pray god you can cope.
i stand outside this woman's work,
this woman's world.
oh, it's hard on the man,
now his part is over.
now starts the craft of the father.

i know you have a little life in you yet.
i know you have a lot of strength left.
i know you have a little life in you yet.
i know you have a lot of strength left.

i should be crying, but i just can't let it show.
i should be hoping, but i can't stop thinking.

of all the things i should've said,
that i never said.
all the things we should've done,
that we never did.
all the things i should've given,
but i didn't.

oh, darling, make it go,
make it go away.

give me these moments back.
give them back to me.
give me that little kiss.
give me your hand.

i know you have a little life in you yet.
i know you have a lot of strength left.
i know you have a little life in you yet.
i know you have a lot of strength left.

i should be crying, but i just can't let it show.
i should be hoping, but i can't stop thinking

of all the things we should've said,
that we never said.
all the things we should've done,
that we never did.
all the things that you needed from me.
all the things that you wanted for me.
all the things that I should've given,
but i didn't.

oh, darling, make it go away.
just make it go away now.

laura f~*

2002-09-10T15:12:00.000-04:00

so, i actually am in a good mood today. something that seemed rather rare, as of late.

last night dave and i went out together, for the first time since veronica was born (and the first time *way* before that even). it was a really good time, and i think it made a big difference between us.

at first i didn't want to go. i was still pretty upset about everything that had been going on between us, and had a headache all day. i felt like i didn't really want to be out with him at all. but then i thought about it, and figured out that i should give it a chance. see what happens (whatever happens, happens - obmscl)

we met up with dave's friend tim, and his new girlfriend, julia, in ann arbor. another thing i wasn't sure i wanted to do, as anyone who knows me knows i've had issues with tim for along time.

but, i'm really glad i decided to go.

first off, julia is great. funny, adorable, great taste in music and movies, and she doesn't take any crap from tim. she is someone that i can totally see being friends with. we actually ended up trading books with each other -- she let me borrow a book called 'geek love' (about a family of circus freaks)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0375713344/qid=1031683858/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-2742930-0031834?v=glance&s=books

and i let her borrow 'namedropper'.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684865386/qid%3D1031683889/sr%3D11-1/ref%3Dsr%5F11%5F1/103-2742930-0031834

we talked about 'six feet under', 'psycho beach party' (hi brooks), we were quoting 'say anything' and 'chasing amy' and sharing our "we used to be duran duran fanatics" stories. she is going to be hedwig for halloween -- if that's any sign to how cool she is. yay. new friends.

we all ended up going to see the movie '24 hour party people' http://us.imdb.com/Title?0274309
at the michigan theatre http://www.michigantheatre.org/
(which is just an amazing place!). it is this documentary style film about the manchester music scene in the late 70s - early 80s and the music producer/club owner who helped discover bands such as joy division/new order, happy mondays, etc. and help bring to life the club/rave culture in manchester, england. the film has great live footage of siouxie and the banshees, the sex pistols, new order, joy division, happy mondays, etc. the story is interesting -- especially if you are a fan of that music scene/time and it is told with wit and originality. i really liked it, though i don't know that it is a film that everyone would like. byron, i think you would definately like it.

afdterwards we went to the blind pig http://www.blindpigmusic.com/index.html
where it was free to get in/karaoke night. we watched a bit of the karaoke, but then decided to go downstairs to the eight ball (which is the small bar below). there we found a table and talked for hours. and people watched.

victoria will love this: there was a angelina jolie lookalike girl there. she is gorgeous. she looks like angelina 'playing by heart'-era, when she wasn't so super thin. every guy in the place was drooling over her as she walked across the bar. literally falling over and staring at her. and she walks right up to this red haired girl, sitting at the bar, and they start totally making out. it was priceless to see the looks on the guys faces. and they were very adorable, the two girls, the rest of the night, too. for a moment, i thought it was vic and angelina. tee hee.

we met a lot of julia's friends. warren, a very cute gay boy artist, who showed us his notebook of amazing sketches. matt, who is the manager of the eight ball, who is going to try to get dave a job there today (yay!) and a few others.

after that, we walked around ann arbor and looked in all the windows. we all ended up singing and dancing on the sidewalk, being super silly.

dave and i drove home and really talked. he seemed to listen, too, which hasn't been happening a lot lately. we ended up staying up until 3am talking. it felt good -- even though i'm quite exhausted today.

yay for good things to write.

laura f

2002-09-06T12:42:00.000-04:00

i feel really sensitive today. overly-so, i think.
and defensive.
maybe it's vulnerability.
i feel like i've been opening up vaults inside of me. letting my thoughts and feelings trickle out.
wearing them for others to see.
i think i need to open up. but i feel fear clasping around me, like a child's glove on adult hands.
i've gotten used to keeping to myself. keeping so much within myself.
the last few years i've really withdrawn, more than i realized -- even.
so this opening of my inner doors, it leaves me feeling all these things.
i feel like i'm wound a bit too tightly. like so much of me is ready to snap.
to cry. to scream. something.

i know i'm feeling deeply dissatisfied with parts of my life.
that is a huge thing to realize. to look at.
and i'm still feeling a tremendous loss of not being home with veronica.
i keep trying to pretend i don't feel it. i keep thinking it will go away.
but it doesn't.

i sat and watched her last night. saw that she is bonding so closely with dave's grandmother.
and it makes sense. she is with her all day long, five days a week.
but it hurt. i felt jealousy creep in. i want that connection between the two of us.
and it is selfish, in a way. i don't want her not to be connected to his grandmother.
but, i don't want her to lose the bond she has with me.

and these feelings, they keep me running around like crazy. trying to squeeze in every moment with her. and with julia.
trying to compensate for having to be gone so much. trying to make up for things.

i feel really lonely, too.
again, more than i have let myself realize.
last night i sat on the couch so filled with frustration and sadness and anger and jealousy and confusion. and happy things, too.
i wanted to be able to share them with someone. to be able to sit and talk. to have someone listen, and share back.
and i tried to talk to dave. tried to just share how i was feeling. and it just wasn't happening.
he was drifting off. not completely paying attention. and then just getting upset that i was "stressing him out" or that what i was saying were things he can't fix right now.
the thing is...i didn't want them fixed. i just wanted him to be a friend to me. to listen. and to share how he felt.

that shouldn't be so much to ask.

laura f

2002-09-06T12:32:00.000-04:00

keen website of the day: http://www.venuszine.com

i discovered this magazine quite by accident, + ended up ordering the summer/fall 2002 issue.
i love it. great articles. weblinks. photography. art.
the most eclectic + unusual subjects. awesome music coverage.
the things i found most intriguing about the issue i have:
interviews with sleater-kinney, photographer astrid kirchherr (obbackbeat), kim gordon (+ photos of her house in northampton, mass), the breeders, beth orton + neko case.

good stuff.

laura f