diving into the waves of time

2003-01-04T20:06:00.000-05:00

'you can't hide from change'
12/29/02

your eyes flick back at me,
daunting, knowing,
reflecting the question i threw
up into the air.

for you to catch,
for you to throw back,
at me.

for you to throw away.

you have no answers for me,
i know.

no map of the world to spread out,
pin up,
trace with a magic marker.

"here's where we'll go, babe,
and then here,
with your hair pinned back,
my arm wrapped around you.
slurpees and mars bars,
for the road.
you and me, kid.
you and me."

spread your lies,
spread your paranoia,
spread your legs, sweetheart.

all for her,
all for him,
all for us,
all for me.

and you ask me if i am afraid to change,
without opening your mouth,
that tongue-tied up in knots,
robbed of beauty.

i lie back and stare at the plastic stars on the ceiling,
fifty to a package,
glow in the dark.

"hey baby, it's the fourth of july."

i wish i could crawl into the song,
sit on your front step,
with a cigarette,
wait for you to come back and say i'm sorry,
again.

and i avoid your gaze,
chip the paint off the wall.

try to think of ten thousand ways to sign my name,
where i put the curls and loops,
the flair,
the heavier push on the pen,
leaving those indentations on the page,
my mark.

no, i don't fear change,
i like the feel of the clinking in my back pocket,
the smile from a stranger,
with a stain on their soul,
ripped hole in the arm of my sweater.

"can i help you, ma'am?"

"hello, my name is...
my name is,
my name is..."

i long for the re-identity,
a new mask,
new paint on the walls,
that new soul smell.

i live for second-chances,
first days,
ears that haven't heard my boring old tales a million and a day,
again and again.

like you, my dear.
like you.

yet i loathe the forgetting i'll do,
the names that will blur in my head,
directions to that little taco stand.

what was it you liked so much?

how the ice machine clamoured,
where you got that scar.

i'll miss that.
i will

and, now your eyes begin to close,
with a whisper,
a frozen denial that slides between us.

can you feel it?

under the bedsheets,
through our fingertips,
the kink in your hair,
my breath on the back of your neck.

"i know we'll never change."

laura f

2003-01-04T19:49:00.000-05:00

i have a livejournal now.
i am going to be doing my main writing there.
but, i'm going to post my poetry here.

here is my new link: http://www.livejournal.com/users/seasoulsky/

laura f

2002-11-21T17:08:00.000-05:00

i miss writing here.
i miss having the time to write in here.
but work is so insane right now. i don't anticipate having my life back to normal until next year.

i have been writing a novel, though. well, working on one.
originally it was for the nanowrimo challenge. the "write a novel in the month of november".
i was excited to do it, but with work and life i realized i couldn't keep up.

but, the good thing about it is it got me motivated to write a novel that has been building in my mind for years.
it needs work. it is a definate work-in-progress. but, it is available online to read. to follow along on the process.

right now it is here: http://breathingunderwater.blogspot.com/

i'm looking for a better home for it, though. if anyone decides to read it you have to read it backwards. the page that comes up is the most current chapter.

again, this needs work still. but, feedback is very very very much appreciated.
e-mail me at finswithin@yahoo.com with any thoughts, ideas, comments, song requests, etc.

until 2003.

laura f

2002-10-21T09:24:00.000-04:00

from 'ghost world'.

well, at least my hair is.

what a little haircut and dye can do :D

laura f

2002-10-18T10:40:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'have you seen me lately' counting crows (did you expect anything else? ;))

get away from me
get away from me, this isn't gonna be easy
but i don't need you
believe me

you got a piece of me
but it's just a little piece of me
and i don't need anyone
and these days i feel like i'm fading away

like sometimes when i hear myself on the radio
have you seen me lately?
have you seen me lately?

i was out on the radio starting to change
somewhere out in america,
it's raining
could you tell me one thing you remember about me
and have you seen me lately?

i remember me
and all the little things that make up a memory
like she said she loved to watch me sleep
like she said:
"it's the breathing, it's the breathing in and out and in and..."

have you seen me lately?

i was out on the radio starting to change
somewhere out in america
it's raining
could you tell me one thing you remember about me
and have you seen me lately?

i guess i thought that someone would notice
i guess i thought somebody would say something
if i was missing

can't you see me?

come on color me in
come on color me in
give me your blue rain
give me your black sky
give me your green eyes
come on give me your white skin
come on give me your white skin
come on give me your white skin

i was out on the radio starting to change
somewhere out in america,
it's raining

could you tell me one thing you remember about me
and have you seen me lately?

have you seen me lately

2002-10-18T10:35:00.000-04:00

i've been seriously absent here, as of late.
it hasn't been for lack of words to say. my thoughts have been spinning and shooting through my skin lately.
but i have let my busy life and my need to keep some of me inside, keep me silent.
i'm never good with silence, though.
i've always had this burning need to share myself -- even when i was that shy child or adolescence that was once me.
even then i wrote. letters. diaries. stories to myself, in my head.
i think back on my life then, especially as a teenager, and think how different it would have been had i had the internet as a source of communication. of reaching out.
maybe it would have caused me to be more inside of myself. more shy and despondent in person.
or, perhaps it would have been the outlet i needed. a place where i could have learned to be myself sooner. to fit within the contents of my skin. my thoughts. my dreams.
who knows.
i do know that lately i've been forcing myself out of myself more.
trying to connect with people around me, even though quite often i see no one in my view that i feel a connection with.
but the only way to learn to connect, to find out if there is possibility, is to try. and i am so tired of being lonely.
this month is a favourite of mine. this month. and this season.
so far this has been an outstanding october. looks as if it will only get better. i see good things on my little october horizon.
last night i stood outside in the cold. i let my eyes gloss over, staring at the halloween lights that julia and i hung on our house. i let the colours bleed and blend. felt the chill on my skin. on the back of my neck. in my hair. i let myself drift. it was a gorgeous feeling.

and i still have adam's voice in my head. yes, i'm a silly giddy girl with this.

laura f~*

2002-10-16T15:58:00.000-04:00

*note* all songs quoted in this review were songs performed in last night's concert.

whew.
what a night.
i am still reeling in exhaustion and a very delightful counting crows hangover.
i thought i'd take a moment out of my blurry, no-sleep day to write a little review of the show. and the night. while it is all still fresh in me.

warning: expect much rambling, raving and swooning!

"it seems like the daylight is coming and no one is watching, but me." ('goodnight l.a.')

my day started early, per usual. maybe a bit earlier that morning. before the sun. before the rest of the house. i was sleepless with anticipation. and nervousness. i was beyond excited to see one of my all-time favourite bands live -- for the first time. and seeing jen coble again. but, i was also nervous that i would get terribly lost. or be late. i am notorious at being directionally challenged, and getting lost in my own head -- much less anything involving north/south/east/west and roads (fast forward moment: i didn't get lost! yay me!).
i spent the morning buzzing around. picking out an outfit. going over directions. starting dinner, in our crockpot, for the gang. and the usual early morning things. giggles with veronica. raising the morning-un-dead that is julia. i knew that i had a ton of things i had to get done before i could hit the road. i was hoping that it could be done. that i would actually get *there*.

"where'd you come from? where am i going? why'd you leave me 'till i'm only good for...waiting for you." ('angels in the silences')

waiting. the day dragged. and dragged. and then dragged some more. i got out later than i planned...and then every little thing i had to get done took longer than expected. the bank. getting lost on the way to the cable company (see how i am???). the world's longest train going by. i think i wore my wristwatch out, checking it out. over and again.
but, i finally made it home. ran upstairs. changed. tried to fix my hair. kiss veronica, and fix bottles for her. kiss julia, ask her to tape 'gilmore girls'. make sure everything is set for them, and deal with the pouty faces of a family who just isn't used to me not being there all the time.

and i was dying of wonderings of what jen's big secret was going to be!!!!

"so come dance this silence down through the morning." ('mr. jones')

i was off. only a small delay. getting on the wrong on-ramp to the highway (see? ;)), but i was lucky with no traffic. the road just laid out in front of me, obstacle free. i was sad to not have a tape player in the car. going from state to state can be a nuisance with radio. and i am an obsessive station changer, too. i am just not much of a fan of corporate radio. but, for about 10 minutes or so i found the most amazing radio station (somewhere near lansing, mi). their slogan was "commercial-free alternative". commercial free! can you believe it? and...it wasn't "mtv alternative"...but alternative-alternative. in the short time i could actually tune it in i heard ani difranco, le tigre, sleater-kinney, ben lee and paul westerburg...on the radio!!!! but, sadly the station must have a mouse-sized tower, as they had the weakest signal imaginable. before i even got to get it, it was gone. i want *that* station hard wired to my head anytime i drive! is that too much to ask? ;)

"i've been wandering through the dark, now i'm standing on the lawn." ('if i could give you all my love -or- richard manuel is dead')

before i knew it, though, i was in south bend. cute town. nice little neighborhoods. very college feel. reminds me a lot of ann arbor. and then i was parking my car in front of jen and trevor's adorable house -- with the silly dog warning door mat (with no dog in the house) and the biggest television i've ever seen!

"she is something all together different, never just an ordinary girl." ('hard candy')

there was jen. all glowing and smiles. a good hug. she was bouncing around. talking. being way cute with her husband. putting little girl ponytails in her hair.

and then the secret revealed...

"i think you better turn your ticket in, get your money back at the door." ('omaha')

we had fourth row seats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh my god!!!! i was shocked, amazed, excited. thank you, jen!!!!

"american girls are feathers and cream, coming to bed so edible." ('american girls')

so, i had never had thai food. until last night. and now, thai food will always be synonomous with adam duritz, and the counting crows, to me.
jen and i walked into siam, this very small thai restaurant right near the concert venue. there was a big board up right as you walked in, but since i am a giant i could glimpse the unmistakebable hair of mr. duritz himself. in the restaurant. barely a breath away.
he was there with the band, and crew. three tables full of people. adam was text-messaging and looking quite beautiful. those who know me well know i've had quite the crush on him for ages. well, this just elevated it, let me tell you. i know he has written in his online journal (at the counting crows site) that he has body image issues and hates photographs of himself, but i couldn't help but think "why?". 'course i know how irrational body image can be. but, really...*swoon*.
of course i chickened-out and didn't speak to him. i contemplated an autograph. but, the time didn't ever seem right and it felt rather invasive. he was eating and seemed very busy. but...

"and have you seen me lately?" ('have you seen me lately')

we had a moment. a small one. but, a moment all the same. one of the band members left and his seat was opened. adam stood up and turned to grab his coat (to move over to the open seat) and we caught eyes. just for a moment. that i notice you notice me kind of moment. and he gave me this small smirk of a smile. yeah, you could say that totally made my day. night. week. month. my heart was in my throat and i felt like suddenly i was teleported back to sixteen. *swoon*.

"i can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven', now the days go by so fast." ('a long december')

then he was gone. put on that jacket and walked out the door. the remaining band members and crew followed shortly after. and then some of the other patrons started to gush. a table of three girls all took out their cellphones, simultaneously, and you could hear them saying things like 'you'll never guess who was here'.

thai food rocks! ;)
*giggles*

"i been bummin' around this old town for way too long." ('hanginaround')

it is not often that an opening band gets me. takes me away from my anticipation for the band i actually came to see, and has me entertained. and distracted. in that 'wow. this is cool.' kind of way. the opening act for this show was not one of those not often kind of bands. graham colton group. graham colton being the seemingly egotistical lead singer who could not stop touching his hair, and who jen pointed out sounded like gavin rossdale from bush. the rest of the band, with the exception of the bassist, seemed to be having a competition of who could upstage the other, and flirt with the most girls. strike the most "pretty boy with a guitar" pose. and the songs were very mundane to me. very matchbox twenty. bland. but, adam seemed to like them. he raved. he invited them onstage, during one of the encores, to sing 'hanginaround' with the band. so, maybe i just missed something. but, i remain unimpressed.

"i am the rain king." ('rain king')

and there they were. the rain king and the rest of the band. all incredible. they opened with 'goodnight elisabeth', closed the final encore (there were two) with 'hard candy'.

they played the first half of the show accoustically. something they said they had just tried out in new york. thought they would give it another shot. it was a good choice!

if you have a chance, ever, to see the counting crows. do it. really. don't even think twice. just go.

i've loved their music since the release of their first album, 'august and everything after'. but, seeing them live. hearing the songs. feeling the way they are poured out there. well, the songs will never be the same to me. they have deepened. intensified.

adam gives so much to the audience. so much of himself. he wears the emotions of all the songs all over him. telling their stories with every part of him. the way he stands. moves. uses his hands. posture. his eyes. his expressions.

i've always thought that the songs were deeply personal to adam. that they were pieces of his story/ies. this really solidified it. his ad-libs, too. like whispering "it's not okay" or standing up, right close to the crowd, singing "you are not alone, i am not alone." or, even adding the "fuck" to 'mr. jones'. (adam's comment: "it is a given that in every show i will forget the words to one of the songs, which i just did, and that you will all cheer when i say fuck in 'rain king'. well, that one is your shit to deal with." ;))

it just really feels like his soul is out there. in the music. in the songs. right there in front of you. it is really hard to properly describe how it felt to be there. how swept away i was. how the whole crowd was caught up in it. singing along to *every song*. the energy flooding the whole place.

"i walk along these hillsides In the summer 'neath the sunshine. i am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me. change, change, change." ('a murder of one')

yes!!!! they played it. one of my all-time favourite songs (and not just from the counting crows). this song is so deeply personal to me. so tied up in some big things in my life, some vital times. just hearing the opening notes sent shivers through me. and that welling of tears.
and, wow. i never expected it to be such a show-stopper. or for the audience to be so involved in the song. singing along. passionately.
the ad-libs adam sang. and just his expressions through this song. i felt touched by it. deeply. and so caught up in the music. the need to move. to be part of the moment.

"hop on my choo-choo. i'll be your engine driver in a bunny suit. if you dress me up in pink and white,
we may be just a little fuzzy 'bout it later tonight." ('holiday in spain')

(side note: i loved his story behind this song!)

adam is so personable. such a showman. the rest of the band is incredible, too. don't get me wrong. but, adam was amazing. and silly. and a klutz (yay!). and swore like a sailor. and was very open.

and hurray for both charlie and adam's reminders to check-out the aids assistance missionaries and the ywca's women's shelters for domestic violence booths. and adam's reminder to vote this november -- how it was disgusting that more people voted for 'american idol', than in the elections.

"listen, late last night, heard the screen door slam
and a big yellow taxi took my girl away. don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till it's gone. they paved paradise and put up a parking lot." ('big yellow taxi')

then they were gone. after two electric encores. jen and i tossed around the idea of staying. waiting by the tour bus. but, it was already midnight, my time, so we decided to head home.

it was quite a time. well worth my crazy drive home (me and 80 trucks and horrid construction) that ended in a four hour drive home. but, it was worth it.

thanks, jen!

laura f

2002-09-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'pretty in pink' the psychedelic furs

caroline laughs and it's raining all day
she loves to be one of the girls
she lives in the place in the side of our lives
where nothing is ever put straight
she turns herself round and she smiles and she says
'this is it, that's the end of the joke'
and loses herself in her dreaming and sleep
and her lovers walk through in their coats

she's pretty in pink
isn't she
pretty in pink
isn't she

all of her lovers all talk of her notes
and the flowers that they never sent
and wasn't she easy
and isn't she pretty in pink
the one who insists he was first in the line
is the last to remember her name
he's walking around
in this dress that she wore
she is gone
but the joke's the same

pretty in pink
isn't she
pretty in pink
isn't she

caroline talks to you softly sometimes
she says 'i love you' and 'too much'
she doesn't have anything you want to steal
well, nothing you can touch
she waves
she buttons your shirt
the traffic is waiting outside
she hands you this coat
she gives you her clothes
these cars collide

pretty in pink
isn't she
pretty in pink
isn't she

laura f

2002-09-20T08:42:00.000-04:00

something i wrote about a year ago:

*~musings over a strawberry soda pop afternoon~*

09*01*01

i am stuck on the wall,
i am stuck on your wall,
stuck on the sole of your shoe,
stuck on all that is you.

and i wonder if i will wear down, fade,
peel off in pieces, long and slinking,
the kind that are so fun to peel, so hard to resist,
that damage.

i think i will blend in with the pavement,
pieces of me weaving into the rug, vacuumed up, swept into a dustpan,
drove over and over again,
the dirty kind of clean of this world going by.

or maybe you'll call me art,
put a frame about me, show your friends,
say "look at this i have, she just sits. never moving. never leaves."

and they will come with their "oohs" and their "ahhs",
never really seeing me.

i guess i could just hitch a ride on a passing tire,
travel route sixty-six,
mile ten,
highway eighty.

stop at a roadside attraction,
eat baby ruths, drink great grape slushies,
meet a few "stuck on you" friends along my way.

stuck,
hmmmm, maybe i'm not even stuck, per say,
maybe i'll grow wings,
maybe i'll run away,
or hitch a ride on a star.

fly on out to amsterdam with a guitar,
a pair of blue boots,
and no memory to auction away.

the air is ripe with freedoms,
wrong turns, miscalculations.

the earth lined with pot holes, handcuffs,
polka-dot condoms, marriage vows.

my head is full of dips and dives,
make-up tips, ious and me,
wallpaper paste,
bubble gum giveaways,
and a portion of my soul,
still stuck on with you.

always stuck right onto you.

laura f

2002-09-19T10:26:00.000-04:00

quote of the day: from 'traveling mercies' (anne lamott)

"my coming of faith did not start with a leap but rather a series of staggers from what seemed like one safe place to another. like lily pads, round and green, these places summoned and then held me up while i grew. each prepared me for the next leaf on which i would land, and in this way i moved across the swamp of doubt and fear. when i look back at some of these early resting places i can see how flimsy and indirect a path they made. yet each step brought me closer to the verdant pad of faith on which i somehow stay afloat today."

2002-09-19T09:28:00.000-04:00

from the coupland mailing list:
my 10 summer jeopardy categories:

my top 10 summer jeopardy catagories:

1. veronica (my new daughter, born june 28).
2. two months of not going to work, yes, i couldv'e gotten used to that.
3. trip back home to california, not as issue-filled as anticipated.
4. i miss caffeine.
5. 101 ways to make a new baby smile.
6. the (re)discovery of root beer.
7. margaret cho (love her too much for words).
8. unexpected new friends are the best (julia + sarah).
9. damn good summer reading: 'namedropper' emma forrest, 'kitchen' banana yoshimoto, 'norweigan wood' haruki murakami + 'rules of attraction' bret easton ellis.
10. 'six feet under'!!!!!!!!!!!!!

laura f

2002-09-19T08:50:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'moonchild' cibo matto

moonchild still lives in my heart.
can i ask you something?
is your life better now?

sometimes i feel you're sitting next to me and listening to my stories
time always shows me it's hard to understand how to be myself

moonlight dries your tears, moonlight hides your fears

sometimes i feel you're smiling at me and telling me your memories
tide always moves fast
can you tell me how to find words inside a shell?

laura f

2002-09-19T08:47:00.000-04:00

keen website of the day: http://adbusters.org/home/

kick ass website. makes me feel even more dirty for working in advertising.

laura f

2002-09-17T10:56:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'androgynous' the replacements

'androgynous'
the replacements

here comes dick, he's wearing a skirt
here comes Jane, y'know she's sporting a chain
same hair, revolution
same build, evolution
tomorrow who's gonna fuss?

and they love each other so
androgynous
closer than you know, love each other so
androgynous

don't get him wrong and don't get him mad
he might be a father, but he sure ain't a dad
and she don't need advice that's sent at her
she's happy with the way she looks
she's happy with her gender

mirror image, see no damage
see no evil at all
kewpie dolls and urine stalls
will be laughed at
the way you're laughed at now

now, something meets boy, and something meets girl
they both look the same
they're overjoyed in this world
same hair, revolution
unisex, evolution
tomorrow who's gonna fuss?

and tomorrow dick is wearing pants
and tomorrow janie's wearing a dress
future outcasts and they don't last
and today, the people dress the way that they please
the way they tried to do in the last centuries

laura f

2002-09-17T10:05:00.000-04:00

from word of the day - decimate:

'the game'
09/17/02

the day begins early, sun slowly creeping up the sides of morning,
he reaches into the closet of suspicions, to the top shelf,
on tip-toes to reach all that hidden doubt, covered in dust and decay.

we sit at the table, facing each other, covered in sweat and bruised egos, denial.
breakfast toast and tea, a cup of coffee, this is what should spread in front of us, us two.
but instead it is this troubled board game, bored game, and he hands it to me,
the 3-year sided dice to roll.

roll away, spin the bottle, the charts, the lines.
he decimates me with his language, the words and meanings, his go to jail demands.
i pass go, without my pay, or justification. i run the circles of this game with him, without a pass, bankrupt already.
we shuffle the children, the cable television, hand-holds and kisses goodnight,
now it's his turn, now it's mine.

our turns run into nothing at all. nothing at all. nothing. roll again.

the sun starts to make it's decline, alone, the night sky turning black and blue.
we should be dancing, making love, sharing our day and plans, reading each other's book with our eyes.
but he wants one more turn, one more run, one more roll of the dice.
he wants to win more than he wants this, the game is slowly taking over. my silence is the endings.

but we keep playing.

laura f

2002-09-12T16:20:00.000-04:00

quote of the day: tori amos, q magazine, may 1994

"there is room for everybody on the planet to be creative and conscious if you are your own person. if you’re trying to be like somebody else, then there isn’t."

laura f

2002-09-12T16:06:00.000-04:00

i feel a bit drained today.
it's nearing the end of the week. that could be some of it.
lack of sleep is always a culprit, too.
i feel emotionally drained, as well as physically.
things are smoother right now, but nowhere near solved.
sometimes i can push it out of my mind. sometimes i just can't.
today i'd like to hike up to the top of a mountain and find a big, friendly tree to sleep below.
there are so many gorgeous trees here in michigan.
different than california (though the redwoods are spectacular, and i do miss palm trees).
i walk veronica outside everynight at dusk and we talk to "friend trees".
she reaches up and feels the leaves, as the wind lightly caresses her baby cheeks.
julia asked why we talk to the trees, with a bit of that eye-roll, "oh mom" kind of look.
but she goes out there with us. does cartwheels and handstands. tells me how her day was.
i'd take those girls of mine with me to the mountain, too. another time. when i didn't want to sleep there.
we could lie on the grass and find cloudy shapes. tell them to veronica. and let her meet new trees.
julia could sing. or jump. or just roll her eyes at me.
anything at all. just us. on a mountain. with friend trees.

laura f

2002-09-12T15:11:00.000-04:00

keen website of the day: http://www.christad.homestead.com/

new artist discovery. yay. i especially like 'plain jane' + 'emerald city'

laura f~*

2002-09-12T13:28:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'displaced' azure ray

it's just a simple line
i can still hear it all of the time
if i can just hold on tonight
i know that nothing
nothing survives
nothing survives

i think i'm turned all around
i'm looking up
not looking down
and when i'm standing still
watching you run
watching you fall
fall into me

am i making something worthwhile
out of this place
am i making something worthwhile
out of this chase
i am displaced
i am displaced

and she's my friend of all friends
she's still here when everyone's gone
she doesn't have to say a thing
we'll just keep laughing
all night long
all night long

am i making something worthwhile
out of this place
am i making something worthwhile
out of this chase
i am displaced
i am displaced

it's just a simple line
i can still hear it all of the time
if i can just hold on tonight
i know that no one
no one survives
no one survives.

laura f

2002-09-11T10:16:00.000-04:00

quote of the day:

local radio dj, september 11, 2002, 7:50am.

"we just had word from the local hospital that five babies have been born already this morning. something to warm us today. new life."

2002-09-11T10:14:00.000-04:00

hard to know what to say today. what to feel.
in some ways this is a new day.
veronica woke up earlier than usual. before 4am.
and though i was tired, her smile and laughter just gave me such a lift.
and julia, trying to make something happy out of the day.
"i think we should be happy that we all are here. and that it is maranda's birthday."
maranda is her best friend.
it is her birthday today.
the second year in a row of having her birthday surrounded by sadness.
that makes me sad, too.
i guess, for me, i want to feel hopeful today.
i want to surround my family with happiness and love.
and maybe that offends people. that i can smile today.
maybe it is inappropriate.
but it is what i choose to do today.
even though i know the sadness, too.

laura f~*

2002-09-11T10:10:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'this woman's work' kate bush

pray god you can cope.
i stand outside this woman's work,
this woman's world.
oh, it's hard on the man,
now his part is over.
now starts the craft of the father.

i know you have a little life in you yet.
i know you have a lot of strength left.
i know you have a little life in you yet.
i know you have a lot of strength left.

i should be crying, but i just can't let it show.
i should be hoping, but i can't stop thinking.

of all the things i should've said,
that i never said.
all the things we should've done,
that we never did.
all the things i should've given,
but i didn't.

oh, darling, make it go,
make it go away.

give me these moments back.
give them back to me.
give me that little kiss.
give me your hand.

i know you have a little life in you yet.
i know you have a lot of strength left.
i know you have a little life in you yet.
i know you have a lot of strength left.

i should be crying, but i just can't let it show.
i should be hoping, but i can't stop thinking

of all the things we should've said,
that we never said.
all the things we should've done,
that we never did.
all the things that you needed from me.
all the things that you wanted for me.
all the things that I should've given,
but i didn't.

oh, darling, make it go away.
just make it go away now.

laura f~*

2002-09-10T15:12:00.000-04:00

so, i actually am in a good mood today. something that seemed rather rare, as of late.

last night dave and i went out together, for the first time since veronica was born (and the first time *way* before that even). it was a really good time, and i think it made a big difference between us.

at first i didn't want to go. i was still pretty upset about everything that had been going on between us, and had a headache all day. i felt like i didn't really want to be out with him at all. but then i thought about it, and figured out that i should give it a chance. see what happens (whatever happens, happens - obmscl)

we met up with dave's friend tim, and his new girlfriend, julia, in ann arbor. another thing i wasn't sure i wanted to do, as anyone who knows me knows i've had issues with tim for along time.

but, i'm really glad i decided to go.

first off, julia is great. funny, adorable, great taste in music and movies, and she doesn't take any crap from tim. she is someone that i can totally see being friends with. we actually ended up trading books with each other -- she let me borrow a book called 'geek love' (about a family of circus freaks)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0375713344/qid=1031683858/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-2742930-0031834?v=glance&s=books

and i let her borrow 'namedropper'.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684865386/qid%3D1031683889/sr%3D11-1/ref%3Dsr%5F11%5F1/103-2742930-0031834

we talked about 'six feet under', 'psycho beach party' (hi brooks), we were quoting 'say anything' and 'chasing amy' and sharing our "we used to be duran duran fanatics" stories. she is going to be hedwig for halloween -- if that's any sign to how cool she is. yay. new friends.

we all ended up going to see the movie '24 hour party people' http://us.imdb.com/Title?0274309
at the michigan theatre http://www.michigantheatre.org/
(which is just an amazing place!). it is this documentary style film about the manchester music scene in the late 70s - early 80s and the music producer/club owner who helped discover bands such as joy division/new order, happy mondays, etc. and help bring to life the club/rave culture in manchester, england. the film has great live footage of siouxie and the banshees, the sex pistols, new order, joy division, happy mondays, etc. the story is interesting -- especially if you are a fan of that music scene/time and it is told with wit and originality. i really liked it, though i don't know that it is a film that everyone would like. byron, i think you would definately like it.

afdterwards we went to the blind pig http://www.blindpigmusic.com/index.html
where it was free to get in/karaoke night. we watched a bit of the karaoke, but then decided to go downstairs to the eight ball (which is the small bar below). there we found a table and talked for hours. and people watched.

victoria will love this: there was a angelina jolie lookalike girl there. she is gorgeous. she looks like angelina 'playing by heart'-era, when she wasn't so super thin. every guy in the place was drooling over her as she walked across the bar. literally falling over and staring at her. and she walks right up to this red haired girl, sitting at the bar, and they start totally making out. it was priceless to see the looks on the guys faces. and they were very adorable, the two girls, the rest of the night, too. for a moment, i thought it was vic and angelina. tee hee.

we met a lot of julia's friends. warren, a very cute gay boy artist, who showed us his notebook of amazing sketches. matt, who is the manager of the eight ball, who is going to try to get dave a job there today (yay!) and a few others.

after that, we walked around ann arbor and looked in all the windows. we all ended up singing and dancing on the sidewalk, being super silly.

dave and i drove home and really talked. he seemed to listen, too, which hasn't been happening a lot lately. we ended up staying up until 3am talking. it felt good -- even though i'm quite exhausted today.

yay for good things to write.

laura f

2002-09-06T12:42:00.000-04:00

i feel really sensitive today. overly-so, i think.
and defensive.
maybe it's vulnerability.
i feel like i've been opening up vaults inside of me. letting my thoughts and feelings trickle out.
wearing them for others to see.
i think i need to open up. but i feel fear clasping around me, like a child's glove on adult hands.
i've gotten used to keeping to myself. keeping so much within myself.
the last few years i've really withdrawn, more than i realized -- even.
so this opening of my inner doors, it leaves me feeling all these things.
i feel like i'm wound a bit too tightly. like so much of me is ready to snap.
to cry. to scream. something.

i know i'm feeling deeply dissatisfied with parts of my life.
that is a huge thing to realize. to look at.
and i'm still feeling a tremendous loss of not being home with veronica.
i keep trying to pretend i don't feel it. i keep thinking it will go away.
but it doesn't.

i sat and watched her last night. saw that she is bonding so closely with dave's grandmother.
and it makes sense. she is with her all day long, five days a week.
but it hurt. i felt jealousy creep in. i want that connection between the two of us.
and it is selfish, in a way. i don't want her not to be connected to his grandmother.
but, i don't want her to lose the bond she has with me.

and these feelings, they keep me running around like crazy. trying to squeeze in every moment with her. and with julia.
trying to compensate for having to be gone so much. trying to make up for things.

i feel really lonely, too.
again, more than i have let myself realize.
last night i sat on the couch so filled with frustration and sadness and anger and jealousy and confusion. and happy things, too.
i wanted to be able to share them with someone. to be able to sit and talk. to have someone listen, and share back.
and i tried to talk to dave. tried to just share how i was feeling. and it just wasn't happening.
he was drifting off. not completely paying attention. and then just getting upset that i was "stressing him out" or that what i was saying were things he can't fix right now.
the thing is...i didn't want them fixed. i just wanted him to be a friend to me. to listen. and to share how he felt.

that shouldn't be so much to ask.

laura f

2002-09-06T12:32:00.000-04:00

keen website of the day: http://www.venuszine.com

i discovered this magazine quite by accident, + ended up ordering the summer/fall 2002 issue.
i love it. great articles. weblinks. photography. art.
the most eclectic + unusual subjects. awesome music coverage.
the things i found most intriguing about the issue i have:
interviews with sleater-kinney, photographer astrid kirchherr (obbackbeat), kim gordon (+ photos of her house in northampton, mass), the breeders, beth orton + neko case.

good stuff.

laura f

2002-09-06T12:28:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'pale september' fiona apple

pale september, i wore the time like a dress that year
the autumn days swung soft around me, like cotton on my skin
but as the embers of the summer lost their breath and disappeared
my heart went cold and only hollow rhythms resounded from within
but then he rose, brilliant as the moon in full
and sank in the burrows of my keep

and all my armour falling down, in a pile at my feet
and my winter giving way to warm, as i'm singing him to sleep

he goes along just as a water lily
gentle on the surface of his thoughts his body floats
unweighed down by passion or intensity
yet unaware of the depth upon which he coasts
and he finds a home in me
for what misfortune sows, he knows my touch will reap

and all my armour falling down, in a pile at my feet
and my winter giving way to warm, as i'm singing him to sleep

all my armour falling down, in a pile at my feet
and my winter giving way to warm, as i'm singing him to sleep

all my armour falling down, in a pile at my feet
and my winter giving way to warm, as i'm singing him to sleep

laura f

2002-09-05T15:17:00.000-04:00

quote of the day: from 'girlfriend in a coma' douglas coupland:

"destiny is what we work toward. the future doesn't exist yet. fate is for losers."

2002-09-05T15:07:00.000-04:00

i feel like a bag of mixed coloured candy. or marbles. or something like that.
part of me is full of bliss. happy with motherhood. with my friends. with things to look forward to in october.
a visit from my best friend. a concert. halloween.
good stuff.
but there is parts of me that are so tired. frustrated. a little bit lost.
i'm tired of the struggle. constantly doing without. barely having enough money to get by with.
sick of being in a job that is so unfullfilling.
i'm sick of trying to keep things going. wearing the optimist mask. trying to be the cheerleader. the motivator. the caretaker.
the everything to everybody. all the time.
i've been doing it all for so long i don't quite know how to pull back. how to change.
and i sit and make excuses for it all. i know i do.
i stand up, step up on it - the ladder of defenses.
but, inside i see all the facts. i know them. how could i not?
and some of the answers hurt to much to recognize clearly. so i fold them up neatly. slide them into the back of the drawer.
hope that someday i can reach back and see them in the light. wear them. deal with them.

i wonder, do we all have these conflictions?
does it ever become more clear?

i miss so many things. things i can't name. things i don't even recognize, anymore.
and, yet, i love so many things that are here, in my here and now.
i love the life i have. the family around me.
but, sometimes i think i'd be okay without some of it. that i'd be better.
and i hate myself when i think of it.
or maybe i just try to hate myself.
i bury the thoughts so quickly that there is no time to really react.

i'm not sure how to make this better. how to look through the coloured marbles in the bag. see through them.
make some sense of this jangled mess.

thank you music. and friends. and beautiful girls to come home to.
books and films. little obsessions.
things to lose myself in, temporarily.
but, i'm not very good at getting lost, anymore.

it just doesn't feel like me,
anymore.

laura f

2002-09-05T11:18:00.000-04:00

keen website of the day: http://www.morriscenter.org/

where i'm going to see counting crows with jen on october 15!
i am so excited!

from the site:
Tuesday, October 15, 2002

the counting in concert
8:00 pm show time - few bands in recent years have gotten bigger faster than the folk-rock group counting crows. since their 1993 debut album "august and everything after", the counting crows have been embraced by millions of listeners looking for thoughtful, mature rock. performing some of their past hits like "mr. jones" and "round here" as well as songs from their recently released album "hard candy", the band may surprise with some cover songs not heard before.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

laura f

2002-09-05T11:01:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: more from alanis. 'precious illusions' alanis morissette

you'll rescue me, right
in the exact same way they never did
i'll be happy, right
when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me, right
then my life can finally begin
i'll be worthy, right
only when you realize the gem i am

but this won't work now the way it once did
and i won't keep it up even though i would love to
once i know who i'm not, then i'll know who i am
but i know i won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head
did not let me down when i was defenseless
and parting with them
is like parting with invisible best friends

this ring will help me yet
as will you knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet
as will these boys gone through like water

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz i want to decide between survival and bliss
and though i know who I'm not i still don't know who i am
but i know i won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head
did not let me down when i was a kid
and parting with them
is like parting with a childhood best friend

i've spent so long firmly looking outside me
i've spent so much time living in survival mode

but this won't work now the way it once did
cuz i want to decide between survival and bliss
though i know who i'm not i still don't know who i am
but i know i won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head
did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them
is like parting with invisible best friends

these precious illusions in my head
did not let me down when i was a kid
and parting with them
is like parting with a childhood best friend

laura f

2002-09-04T11:44:00.000-04:00

quote of the day: from sandra bernhard interview 'the mouth that roared' in summer 2002 issue of women who rock (on motherhood):

"there are many good things about being a mother. i think for me, personally, the best thing has been to learn a lot more patience just in general with life and knowing that you can't rush things along. when you have a kid, you have to wait: wait for them to get ready and wait for them to figure it out. it's really hard for me; it's one of the big corrections in my life, to have patience. it just fills up my whole life on another level of love and light that i've never experienced before."

2002-09-04T11:30:00.000-04:00

this or that: the name's the same, almost...

from: http://www.ailurophile.com/oldstuph/001098.shtml#001098

1. tom hanks or tom cruise?

tom hanks for 'philadelphia', tom cruise for 'vanilla sky'

2. julia roberts or julia stiles?

julia stiles, especially for '10 things i hate about you' (a guilty pleasure *grin*)

3. kevin costner or kevin spacey?

kevin spacey!!!! love love love him.

4. ben afflick or ben stiller?

ben stiller. especially for 'the ben stiller show', 'reality bites', 'mystery men' + 'permanent midnight'. ben affleck *only* in kevin smith films. *only*.

5. sean connery or sean penn?

sean penn, especially in 'sweet and lowdown', 'fast times at ridgemont high', 'racing with the moon', 'at close range', 'hurlyburly'

6. jennifer lopez or jennifer aniston?

jennifer aniston, for more than just 'friends'.

7. courtney love or courtney cox-arquette?

courtney love!

8. sarah michelle gellar or sarah jessica parker?

sarah michelle gellar for 'buffy' + 'cruel intentions'.

9. michael douglas or mike myers?

mike myers for 'so i married an axe murderer' + micheal douglas for 'wonder boys'.

10. nicole kidman or (anna) nicole smith?

nicole kidman for 'moulin rouge', *only*.

laura f

2002-09-04T11:20:00.000-04:00

keen website of the day: http://buyolympia.com

voodoo monkeys - beware their power!
keen purses, art, t-shirts, music.
plus, you can't help but want to sing "well i went to school in olympia..." ;)

laura f

2002-09-04T11:09:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'hand in my pocket' alanis morissette

i'm broke but i'm happy
i'm poor but i'm kind
i'm short but i'm healthy, yeah

i'm high but i'm grounded
i'm sane but i'm overwhelmed
i'm lost but i'm hopeful, baby

what it all comes down to
is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
i've got one hand in my pocket
and the other one is giving a high five

i feel drunk but i'm sober
i'm young and i'm underpaid
i'm tired but i'm working, yeah

i care but i'm restless
i'm here but i'm really gone
i'm wrong and i'm sorry, baby

what it all comes down to
is that everything's gonna be quite alright
i've got one hand in my pocket
and the other one is flicking a cigarette

and what it all comes down to
is that i haven't got it all figured out just yet
i've got one hand in my pocket
and the other one is giving the peace sign

i'm free but i'm focused
i'm green but i'm wise
i'm hard but i'm friendly, baby

i'm sad but i'm laughing
i'm brave but i'm chickenshit
i'm sick but i'm pretty, baby

and what it all boils down to
is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
i've got one hand in my pocket
and the other one is playing the piano

and what it all comes down to my friends
is that everything's just fine fine fine
i've got one hand in my pocket
and the other one is hailing a taxi cab...

laura f

2002-09-03T11:24:00.000-04:00

quote of the day: from margaret cho interview 'the cho must go on' in september 2002 issue of movieline (on hollywood fashion):

"hollywood style stopped being interesting when cher quite wearing crazy crap. in the late '80s, everything sort of froze. i'm more of the outrageous bob mackie school. hollywood women, apart from bjork and madonna, dress so boringly and the guys are always dressed dully. actors should revert to tribal customs in which the men wore brightly colored feathers."

2002-09-03T11:19:00.000-04:00

'the silence in words'

the air around me drifts, encircles me,
i feel the chill deep into my veins,
even though you've closed the vents, locked them tight,
trying ever so to keep me warm.

and your voice trickles down the walls, languid and dismayed,
but i can't hear you anymore, i just see the movement of language, drifting.

we are amongst the lucky few, coupled and locked together,
in our hands are held beauty and promise, new life,
but between us we trip and stumble, trying to reach out our fingertips,
collapsing with the effort of just breathing in the same air.

and my silence screams loud, echoing off of everything you wish i had said,
you see the shadow stretch across the sheets, the door opening.

my god, i wish there was more than words to say.

maybe we could invent a new way of speaking,
without lips or eyes,
without promises,
maybe we could sew the holes up, intwine our doubts,
let them mute each other, senseless, sensible.
with and without.

you draw the x's on your eyes,
i tighten the rope between us,
and we float on. go on. despite.

despite it all.

laura f

2002-09-03T09:46:00.000-04:00

keen website of the day: http://eat.epicurious.com/

i've been in a trying new recipes kind of mood. i'd love to take a cooking class, but until i can afford + fit that in, i'll utilize sites like this.
i found a great greek salad here today, i fancy i'll give it a shot this weekend.
weekends are when i enjoy cooking. when there is that time to really enjoy it.

laura f

2002-09-03T09:42:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'fear' sarah mclachlan

morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child,
innocent, unknowing.

winter's end
promises of a long lost friend.
speaks to me of comfort

but I fear
i have nothing to give.
i have so much to loose here in this lonely place.
tangled up in your embrace
there's there's nothing i'd like better than to fall.
but i fear i have nothing to give.

wind in time
rapes the flower trembling on the vine
and nothing yields to shelter it from above.
they say temptation will destroy our love.
the never ending hunger

but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to loose here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
theres nothing Iid like better than to fall
but i fear i have nothing to give.
i have so much to loose.
i have nothing to give.

we have so much to lose...

laura f

2002-09-02T12:07:00.000-04:00

quote of the day: from 'one' by richard bach

"how many times we'd wished we'd had more bodies! just a few more bodies, and we could go and stay at once. we could live quietly in the wilderness to watch the sun rise in peace, to tame the wildlife, to garden and live close to the earth, and at the same time we could be city-folk crushing into crowds and being crushed by them, going to lectures and giving them. we lack enough bodies to meet people every hour and at the sam time be alone together, to build bridges and retreats at once, to learn every new language, to master every skill, to study and practice and teach everything we'd like to know and do, to work till we drop and to do nothing at all."

laura f

2002-09-02T12:02:00.000-04:00

i would love mondays if they were always like this.
day off from work. the weather feeling like it's autumn, and not still summer.
new counting crows album playing. i'm singing along to 'carriage' right now. such a good album.
and adam duritz is dreamy. yes, he is.
i'm cooking a recipe my friend elizabeth sent to me, and baking pot pies. yum.
i feel creative. i feel rested. i feel pretty damn good.

laura f

2002-09-02T11:54:00.000-04:00

keen website of the day: sept. 2 :D

http://www.reprodepotfabrics.com

i love the look. the style. the clothing.
much of it reminds me of things my grandmother had. fabrics. the way things looked that came out of her cedar chest.
i used to love to open that chest. i can still smell that wood fragrance. feel the fabrics and cloths between my fingers. see the button-eyed dolls. the ceramics. the memories.

laura f

2002-09-02T11:02:00.000-04:00

website of the day: here in my head amazing tori site. daily updates.
lots of information about tori's soon-to-be released album, 'scarlet's walk'

http://www.hereinmyhead.com

laura f

2002-09-02T11:00:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'gold dust' tori amos

gold dust

sights and sounds
pull me back down
another year

i was here
i was here

whipping past
the reflecting pool
me and you
skipping school

and we make it up
as we go along
we make it up we
go along

you said -
you raced from langley -
pulling me underneath
a cherry blossom
canopy
-do i have-
of course i have,
beneath my raincoat,
i have your photographs.
and the sun on your
face
i'm freezing that frame

and somewhere alfie cries
and says "enjoy his every smile
you can see in the dark
through the eyes of laura mars"
how did it go so fast
you'll say
as we are looking
back
and then we'll
understand
we held gold dust
in our
hands

sights and sounds
pull me back down
another year

i was here
i was here

gaslights
glow in the street
(flickering past)
twilight held us
in her palm
as we walked along

and we make it up
as we go along
we make it up as we go along

letting names
hang in the
air
what color hair
(auburn crimson)
autumn knowingly
stared
and the day that
she came
i'm freezing that
frame
i'm freezing that frame

and somewhere alfie
smiles
and says "enjoy her
every cry
you can see in the
dark
through the eyes
of laura mars"

how did it go so
fast
you'll say as we are looking back
and then we'll understand
we held gold dust
in our
hands

in our
hands

laura f

2002-09-01T20:35:00.000-04:00

i'm in a random mood.

'almost famous' is quickly becoming one of my all-time favourite movies. i watched it this afternoon.
dave spotted it on, on cable, and came and got me.
he said "i know you love this one."

he's right. i do.

i love it more with every viewing.
i lose myself in it. take in the characters and the music. the magic.
penny lane. the enemy. 'no more airplanes tour'. 'tiny dancer'. "don't do drugs!"
love it.

veronica is making more sounds + smiles. we say "hi" to her all the time, and you can see her trying to say it. moving her mouth in the way we do. little sounds coming out. the surprise on her face when sound creeps out of her lips is simply priceless.

the first + a sunday.
for those who know me, they'll know how much i love the duo of that.

julia is starting a zine. it is going to be called 'safety pin'. she has been working on it all weekend. writing poetry. drawing a comic. coming up with a "zine mascot". so much creativity!

"you are home." penny lane.

yes, i am. and tonight home feels wonderful.

laura f

2002-08-31T22:23:00.000-04:00

this or that:

1. sesame street or captain kangaroo?

definately 'sesame street'. i was such a 'sesame
street' kid. my most favourite characters were the
monsters that did the phone sounds "briiing. briiing."
and said "yep yep yep yep yep, nope nope nope nope
nope." anyone remember them? i used to mimic them all
the time. drive my mom crazy, i'm sure ;)

2. muppet show or fraggle rock?

'the muppet show'!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

side note: i love the new weezer video, which has them
performing on 'the muppet show'. i think it's one of
the first times i've seen rivers cuomo smile.

3. he-man or jem?

i never watched either -- that was more my brother's
childhood. i remember he loved 'he-man' (and she-ra,
too).

4. the smurfs or muppet babies?

as a rule, i don't like any of the "babies" versions
of cartoon shows *or* any added "jr." character (like
scrappy doo, on 'scooby doo'). so, i guess i'd pick
'the smurfs', by default...though i never really
enjoyed them, either.

5. archie or josie & the pussycats?

'josie + the pussycats'!!!!!!!!!! :D

6. h.r. pufnstuf or the banana splits?

'h.r. pufnstuf'...though i preferred 'lidsville', even
more. yay for sid + marty kroft!!!

7. the partridge family or the brady bunch ?

'the brady bunch' (a childhood daily fix)

8. happy Days or welcome back kotter?

'happy days' (another childhood daily fix, along with
'laverne + shirley')

9. punky brewster or small wonder?

never watched either of them.
*dodgingknivesfromvictoria*
(don't get me with your punky power! :P)

10. the facts of life or silver spoons?

'the facts of life'. yet another teen oriented program
i enjoyed, at the time.

laura f

2002-08-31T22:21:00.000-04:00

from:
http://www.smattering.org/archives/00000762.php

friday five (08/30/02):

1. what's your favorite piece of clothing that you currently own?

my long faded denim skirt + my dark brown sweater, is my current favourite. my ever-favourite is my simple black dress.

2. what piece of clothing do you most want to acquire?

i would like one of those duster sweaters in black + a patchwork skirt.

3. what piece of clothing can you not bring yourself
to get rid of? why?

my simple black dress. i've had it for about eight years + i still love it. it is one of those things that i always feel pretty + comfortable in, no matter what.

4. what piece of clothing do you look your best in?

that black dress.

5. what has been your biggest fashion accident?

*giggles*. i have many.
one was when i decided i had to have a pair of striped, b+w tights to wear dancing one sunday night. i didn't have much time + bought up the first pair i could find...even though i wasn't sure they would fit. i'm rather tall, + longwaisted, so it isn't always easy to find tights that fit. well, these did *not* fit. they were too short. but, i wore them anyway...thinking i'd *make* them work. ha!

while dancing they slid down + the next thing i knew they were down around my ankles! i ran to the bathroom + ended up having to throw them away. ugh. the outfit i was wearing was *not* something to wear with bare legs. i remember begging my friend, kate, to leave...but she didn't want to. oh those b+w tights!
*shudder* ;)

laura f

2002-08-31T10:10:00.000-04:00

which mr. men/little miss are you?
take the quiz & find out! :)
quiz made by jaded_dazey

2002-08-31T10:07:00.000-04:00

i haven't been writing lately.
i mean real writing.
not that *this* isn't real.
i found one of my poems on the internet. randomly. i just happened upon it.
it was like suddenly meeting yourself at a cafe, in a strange town, unexpectedly.
it caught me off guard.
for a moment i was reading it as if it were someone else.
not bad, i thought. familiar. wait. it's me.
surreal.

days start in such an odd way when it is really night when you wake.
the house dark. still.
no signs of life anywhere.
the sky dark. the air thick.
as i turn on her bedroom light she covers her eyes with one tiny hand.
then peaks between her fingers at me. smiles.
she is starting to wake everytime with a smile. it's contagious. the smiles.

so i picked her up and brought her back to my room. under the covers.
i sang to her softly.
he was still asleep next to us. dreaming. snoring.
his hand over his eyes, just like her.

in the next room they were crashed out.
girl sleepovers are exhausting.
i peak in.
magazines. blankets. cd cases.
reminants of a ten year old, and her best friend's, friday night.
they don't even notice me.
i shut the door and let them drift and float in dreams.

and the house is still dark.
quiet.
she has fallen back asleep.
i cover her feet with the fuzzy animal blanket.
she likes the aligator the best.
like the one on the wall. she speaks to him every morning.
i wonder what she says.

i could go back to bed.
i could.
but there is something so precious about stealing these moments.
alone.
thinking.
typing.
wondering when the words will come back.
when i'll write again.

wait, am i writing now?

laura f

2002-08-30T08:52:00.000-04:00

You are an angel.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

2002-08-30T08:47:00.000-04:00

this week has been so random.
i feel like i've been swimming around in the ocean.
sometimes choosing my direction.
other times being swept up in the current and tossed around.
occasionally finding myself lying on the warm sand.
at times finding myself sinking into the deep. tangled.
good thing i know how to swim.

i feel stronger today. more rested. yet a bit weary, breathless.
i think i'm sitting here trying to sort through it all. the week and the different colour fish i came in contact with.
what they meant. what they stand for. where i should swim to next.

i think today i'll float around a bit. stare up at the clouds, later the stars.
i need a bit of a mental break. a chance to gather up my thoughts and sew them into a pattern that fits, for me.
wrap it around me, and dive back in. unafraid. sharks and all.

laura f

2002-08-28T11:06:00.000-04:00

(inspired by caroline)

todays thankful's:

1. that julia goes to an amazing school. we went to open house last night and i met all her fantastic teachers. they are really incredible. her regular teacher talked to me for a half hour about julia's reading level and how she loves to write. then i got to meet julia's art teacher -- the room he has is so keen. all this art on the walls, by both masters and students. and there is just this creative and warm feeling about the room. and music all the time. he was a neat person, too, very warm and full of spunk. we also met the theatre teacher, who was energetic and hilarious. the school gives the kids a choice of being involved in theatre/choir, band or orchestra. julia chose the theatre/choir group. it looks as if she is going to have an really good year.

2. the support and love of some of my friends who e-mailed me yesterday, or listened to me rant. i appreciate it more than words can say.

3. that i had the courage to confront my bosses about my job situation. i insisted that they give me a raise if they expect me to do all this added work and responsibility. after i did it i was rather scared of what the reaction would be. but, when i came in this morning both bosses approached me (at different times) and said that after this labor day weekend they would sit down with me and discuss my raise -- and that i was right to bring it up. i don't know what it will be, but i know i will get something. but more than anything i was proud of myself for saying/doing something about it.

4. my beautiful daughters.

5. music. always.

laura f

2002-08-28T11:05:00.000-04:00

2002-08-27T09:58:00.000-04:00

i used to think i could heal him.
that there was something i could do to make the waves settle.
to make him land on dry land. cool and calm. even. balanced.
i was foolish. although my intentions were love-filled. hopeful.

it's been a long time since i've seen this.
the depression spiraling into the high intensity of sorrow and anxiety and every other emotion that can spring from him.
and i sat there quietly.
trying to hold on to me. breathing. saying inside my head "you don't have to ride along."
and i told him, "i can't fix you. and you can't fix you, alone. you need to do something about this."
i told him there was more at stake than just him. or me. or us.
for a moment he believed me. i just don't know if he'll act on it.

he is afraid of being numb. of being over-medicated. of being labeled and misunderstood.
all these are valid fears to him. real. enough to not want to seek help.
but i'm afraid that this will destroy him eventually. that it will effect everything around him. and us.

i know this isn't how things are all the time.
i know i've gotten past trying to fix it. or trying to take the blame.
but, i really don't know what to do now.
sitting back and watching. second-guessing. being ready to react, or not react - it just isn't enough for me.

i wish his mind was more at peace.

on a different note, mary's art show was keen.
favourite piece of all of us was the monster. you can see it here: http://photos.yahoo.com/bc/finswithin/lst?.dir=/Veronica+and+friends&.view=t

it is toward the very end of the pictures. doesn't mary look proud of that monster?

julia's first day of school was today. she woke up at 12:30 am thinking she had overslept. i was downstairs with veronica when i hear someone running down the stairs. i see her. face flushed and eyes wide. "i overslept!!! i need to get my breakfast or i'm going to be late!" i had to keep my giggles inside as i said "jules, it's the middle of the night. go back to bed, silly girl."

she laughed with me, about it, this morning.

she was so nervous and excited. i bought her some "locker things" last night as a surprise. this is a big deal. a locker. a new school, because she's in "middle school" now. sparkly and shiny new school supplies. new clothes. i loved that first day of school feeling. nothing really is quite that same way. that fresh start. and a new backpack (or messanger bag, as julia has).

both of my girls are beautiful.

note to self: don't forget about you.

laura f

2002-08-26T15:50:00.000-04:00

i'm okay when everything is not okay.
some days that is more true than others.
today, for instance.
i barely slept, if i even slept at all. hard to tell. i remember fading briefly, and then the alarm.
i don't think my eyes were closed enough to dream.

dave is in a blue funk.
he is on that end of the spectrum again.
the one where the depression kicks in.
there has been a long while in-between this time.
work pushed it for him.
and though i understand his exasperation and the reasons he quit, i have a hard time taking it in.
my situation is equally, if not more so, screwed up - but i don't have the option to quit.

i never have the option to quit.

and all of this should be weighing me down.
breaking me.

but today i laughed. a lot.
tonight is one of my friends art show. and we're going.
i have a picture of my daughters smiling at each other as my wallpaper.
i got a new cd in the mail.

sometimes i'm good despite the world sucking.

it just happens that way, i guess.

laura f

2002-08-23T12:08:00.000-04:00

friday five:
from: http://www.smattering.org/archives/00000759.php

1. what is your current occupation? is this what you chose to be doing at this point in your life? why or why not?

currently i work as a media planner at an ad agency. this is not anything i plotted at to do in my life, i pretty much fell into advertising. i was in between jobs, after being laid off, and was sent to an ad agency via a temp service/job recruiter. at the time i loved it...but, i worked in a different arena of advertising, with some really keen people. i ended up in media through a friend, and in the pursuit for more income/room to grow/career path. and here i am. i feel somewhat stuck in this career, at the moment, as i have some history and experience in it *and* i'm quite good at it...but, and this is a big but, i don't like it.

2. if time/talent/money were no object, what would your dream occupation be?

i would teach theatre and creative writing, part time. i would write poetry and features for a magazine like jane or venus or bust. the rest of the time i'd spend with my family.

3. what did/do your parents do for a living? has this had any influence on your career choices?

my mother was a stay at home parent until i was sixteen. at that point, she started working for richard simmons. she designed clothing for an exercise line he had, and worked as a counselor and manager in one of his now defunct gyms. after that she worked for the adam walsh foundation managing their call center for missing and exploited children. after that she worked for two different chiropractors as an office manager. then she worked in human resources at a university of phoenix. currently she is trying to get a business started doing promotions and party planning for companies and she wants to one day open a bed and breakfast. she has never been satisfied with her jobs for very long and thinks she'd be happiest as her own boss. like my grandfather, she has very entrepreneural blood.
i didn't grow up with my father. from what i know, he has worked with the telecommunications business since my grandfather helped him get his first job at pacific bell, back when he was twenty years old.

i don't think either of them have influenced my career/work choices -- but i do think i have the same hard time being satisfied with a job for very long, as my mother does. i don't know why, though.

4. have you ever had to choose between having a career and having a family?

yes. i'm struggling with that right now. trying to find the balance of it, and feel good about my choices. it is really hard. harder than i anticipated.

when julia was born i was doing it alone, for the most part i had no support from her father (and never have), so i just knew i had to work. there was no other thought in it. i just did it. and for the first year of her life, i was lucky to have found a at home job i could do...so i spent that first baby-year with her. it was an experience i would never trade.

now i feel like i have choices. i feel like there are changes i could make to make it so i could be with veronica more, in this important year, and after. some of the things i need to do is find a closer job and possibly one i could do part of the time from home. i could also go back to school and get my teaching credentials, that way i could work the same hours as both my kids at some point.
some days these options seem completely unattainable and i feel overwhelmed with what to do. but, the truth is, they are attainable...i just need to get over my fear and sedatary/familiar comfort and work at it.

5. in your opinion, what is the easiest job in the world? what is the hardest? why?

the easiest job would be doing something you love. the hardest is doing something you either hate or are not appreciated and/or taken advantage of with. imo.

laura f

2002-08-23T11:48:00.000-04:00

top ten movie characters, i most relate to:

alyssa jones ('chasing amy')
claude ('all over me')
lelaina pierce ('reality bites')
joan ('playing by heart')
anais ('henry and june')
sally nash ('the anniversary party')
anita hoffman ('steal this movie')
claire tourneur ('until the end of the world')
syd ('high art')
lula fortune ('wild at heart')

2002-08-23T09:15:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'hard candy' counting crows

if anything
it should have been
a better thing

from underneath you
staring at the ceiling
there’s another world
of chocolate bars and baseball cards
that hides inside of all
this tension that I’m feeling

but It’s all inside of you
yeah, it’s all inside of you

surprise surprise
i miss your hair, you miss my eyes
and all this solitude
is my confidence eroding
so we slide inside of
someone’s mouth and someone’s eyes
until there’s a sound
of something intimate exploding

but it's all inside of you
yeah, it’s all inside of you
it's all inside of you
it's all inside of you

i wish that i was anesthetized
and sterilized and then
we wouldn’t have this evidence congealing

surprise surprise,
another pair of lips and eyes
and that is the consequence
of actually feeling
It was all inside of you

it was all inside of you
it was all inside of you
it was all inside of you
it was all inside of you

2002-08-23T09:03:00.000-04:00

good music.
there is nothing quite like a string of good music to make a morning better.
i'm stuck with just radio on my long drive to work, so it is always only luck if there will be anything good to hear.
this morning i was lucky.
and i celebrated by having my own little car concert.
lots of cheesy songs from the seventies, but it made me smile.
i felt like dancing. pulling off the road and saying that work just isn't necessary today.
i think it would be better just to dance.

but, i didn't.
i'm here now. work.
and i'm determined to have a good day.
the weekend is peaking at me. waving. i'm almost to the end of the tunnel of a very rough week.
and i feel okay. better than i have.

and now there is more music.
beth orton. azure ray. peter gabriel.
not a bad way to continue today.

laura f

2002-08-22T12:19:00.000-04:00

things i want to learn:
1. to play guitar
2. to live my life without feeling responsible for everyone's happiness
3. yoga
4. to build a webpage
5. to speak/write spanish
6. how to do assorted crafts
7. what i want to do for a career
8. to rollarblade
9. to scuba dive
10. how to do hairstyles (different braids, twists, updo's, etc.)
11. to learn to let things go
12. photography and developing
13. how to get published

things i want to own:
14. a cd burner
15. the mscl dvd set
16. many cds (the list is way too long)
17. a better stereo
18. a new car
19. a bicycle (with a baby seat)
20. a cell phone
21. a pug
22. another computer just for me
23. a teen shelter
24. a house in california

places i want to visit:
25. amsterdam
26. france
27. greece
28. spain
29. new orleans, louisiana
30. new york
31. boston, massachusetts
32. hungary
33. england
34. scotland
35. san francisco
36. italy
37. australia
38. denmark

JOURNEYS I WANT TO TAKE:
39. a route 66 road trip
40. the relationship i'm in
41. train trip through europe
42. photo safari in africa
43. follow a band on a full tour
44. bicycle tour of ireland
45. photo tour of the pyramids in egypt
46. time travel to 1920s paris
47. a listee trip (meeting everyone)
48. backpacking through europe
49. a random adventue. a car. some friends. good music. no map. no destination. no time element.

GAMES I WANT TO PLAY:
50. the simpsons monopoly
51. kickboxing
52. pool
53. bowling
54. darts
55. yoga
56. scattagories
57. gother than thou ;)

exciting experiencs i want to have:
58. acting again
59. going back to school
60. having something i've written published
61. lots of travel
62. watching my daughters grow up
63. interview tori amos
64. write for jane magazine
65. scuba diving
66. open a teen shelter

animal experiences i want to have:
67. see the underwater animals
68. own a pug
69. african photo safari
70. see a panda bear up close

things i want to contribute to human knowledge:
71. more tolerance for differences
72. the need for peace
73. acceptance of different religions
74. a cure for aids
75. the cure for AIDs
76. positive body images for everyone
77. more compassion when the justice system deals with abuse and rape victims
78. universal human rights
79. how to recycle everything we use
80. how to forgive our parents
81. that no one ever needs to hurt another person, ever

i want to do to be comfortable with my appearance:
82. lose weight in a healthy way
83. haircut
84. colour my hair
85. join a gym
86. learn and practice yoga
87. kickboxing and pilates
88. eat well and healthy

media appearances i want to make:
89. a character on 'six feet under'
90. a character in a david lynch film
91. a guest character on 'gilmore girls'
92. a voice on 'the simpsons'
93. the daily show
94. a character in a new bedford falls show

excessive ambitions i have:
95. to read every book on my to-read list
96. to travel the entire world

friendships i want to make:
97. a friendship with someone who has artistic goals and wants to work on them together (writing, film, etc.)
98. a few close friends who live close to me
99. my existing close friends to live closer
100. various artists that i admire

laura f

2002-08-20T17:13:00.000-04:00

disturbing.
i watched a show on rape at lunch with mary.
they spoke of the millions of "rape kits" that lie untouched in police backrooms and basements.
many of them containing dna evidence that could match and possibly convict rapists.
even more disturbing were the statistics.
one out of three women.
every 2 minutes, everyday.
it just turns me to ice. hurts my heart as if someone were picking away at it with an ice pick.
why is there so much of this in the world?
why is there so much violence towards women?
and why is the government so willing and able to spend money on war and the military and weapons, but not on helping fund the investigations and testing needed to delve into these "rape kits", convict the rapists that otherwise can go on and victimize other women, and finally give the victims some closure.

the u.s. police system and government never ceases to anger me. enrage me.
just as an individual i know how they can neglect a sexual crime on women. how they can attempt to shift the blame on the woman. how they treat the crime as minor and virtually meaningless.
i know that if i had been treated with care and respect when i first dealt with the police and justice system i would have reported the rape i later fell victim to as a young adult. but what kind of faith could i have possibly had, at nineteen, when the system failed me so much at sixteen?
the accusations. the doubt. the harsh words. the pushing around. the insignificance they placed on 12 years of abuse.
how could i have thought they would have treated me any different that time.
though now i sit here and wonder - did he hurt anyone else? did my deciding not to report the rape just keep him believing that what happened was consensual? that it was okay? are there other women out there trying to sew their lives back together after falling victim to him?
even now, after years of therapy, and really finding peace with everything - i still have it in me. the fear. the anger. the guilt.
i don't know that it ever goes away.

what kind of world is this?
i wonder.
i try to be so hopeful about the world. humanity. i try to believe that it is humanity. or rather that humanity is a good thing.
i look at my two daughters and want their lives to be positive. for them to get through this life as unharmed as possible. to not be scarred.to not be the one in three.
i don't want anyone to be that one in three.

but how much is it possible to protect them? i try. but will that be enough?

disturbing.

laura f

2002-08-20T17:00:00.000-04:00

under construction.
no, not my life. well, wait, yes - my life, too. always.
but, what i mean is this blog.
for some reason, a few days ago i noticed that my entire template was blank.
i have no idea how this happened.
perhaps the template faeries came by and took it. who knows.
but now i'm slowly re-building my links.
not an easy task, as i was adding to them as i went along. a bit of a bookmark thing. and now i don't remember all that was there.
so, if you were once a link and are not, it is nothing personal.
simply me trying to clean up and rebuild after those faeries had their way with my template.

laura f

2002-08-19T10:21:00.000-04:00

2002-08-19T10:10:00.000-04:00

it's 66 degrees. light rain. monday. i've been here at work for over an hour and it all feels so surreal. i feel like the person who used to sit in this cubicle is gone for good. that she transferred to some distant planet. and i have mistakenly taken her place. everybody thinks i'm her. everybody thinks i'm here. but i feel like a stranger in a distant land.
last night was rough. my emotions came out in a downpour of tears. the storm outside matched my insides. i sat on the couch just holding veronica and sobbing. i thought i'd be more ready. i thought i'd be more together. but i'm not. even as i left this morning i was choking back tears. one more look. just one more touch.
i feel like i'm missing a thousand moments with her. i feel like i'm missing a huge chunk of my life.
they say it will get easier. they say it will fall into place. but i think they are thinking of her, the girl who sat here before. looked like me. talked like me. but the me i am today is changed. and i don't know that this me will ever get used to this.

laura f

2002-08-15T22:49:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'justify my love' madonna

i wanna kiss you in paris
i wanna hold your hand in rome
i wanna run naked in a rainstorm
make love in a train cross-country
you put this in me
so now what, so now what?

wanting, needing, waiting
for you to justify my love

hoping, praying
for you to justify my love

i want to know you
not like that
i don't wanna be your mother
i don't wanna be your sister either
i just wanna be your lover
i wanna be your baby
kiss me, that's right, kiss me

wanting, needing, waiting
for you to justify my love

hoping, praying
for you to justify my love

yearning, burning
for you to justify my love

what are you gonna do?
what are you gonna do?
talk to me -- tell me your dreams
am i in them?
tell me your fears
are you scared?
tell me your stories
i'm not afraid of who you are
we can fly!

poor is the man
whose pleasures depend
on the permission of another
love me, that's right, love me
i wanna be your baby

wanting, needing, waiting
for you to justify my love

hoping, praying
for you to justify my love

i'm open and ready
for you to justify my love
to justify my love
wanting, to justify
waiting, to justify my love
praying, to justify
to justify my love
i'm open, to justify my love

2002-08-15T22:45:00.000-04:00

Take the Which Madonna Video Are You? Quiz

2002-08-15T22:38:00.000-04:00

i wonder when the time will come when i stop being hurt by my father's actions, or lack of actions.
i wonder if that time will ever come.
i wonder why i let myself be hurt by this.
i wonder why i even try to open doors that always slam back in my face.

i found a webpage today for my father's mother's side of the family. my grandmother who i don't really know.
through it i found out my sister lexee got married, as did said grandmother.
this all happened this year.
and yet my father never bothered to even let me know of these events.
not even a letter or an e-mail or a phone call.

i also sent photos of veronica to him.
his second grandchild.
and nothing.

julia still asks what she did wrong to make her grandfather not talk to her anymore.

how do i answer that when i can't answer it for myself?

and why does this still hurt me?

i should be so used to this by now.

laura f

2002-08-13T23:05:00.000-04:00

2002-08-13T23:00:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'that particular time' alanis morissette

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself….i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time

laura f

2002-08-13T22:59:00.000-04:00

1. julia + her best friend maranda
2. veronica
3. laughter
4. music, always music
5. dave's sense of humour
6. memory
7. the ability to know that things do get better
8. love
9. planning to see my best friend in october
10. hearing "you are a good mom", and believing it
11. being okay with me

laura f

2002-08-13T22:25:00.000-04:00

today has been odd.
i feel winded from the emotional rollercoaster i rode.
my insides feel sticky. my thoughts jangly. my eyes sore.
i'm having a harder time than i anticipated with my impending return to work.
and this was topped off today by one of those fights that take over and you don't know how to stop them.
words slipping out that you should have sent to a distant planet, and not at people you love.
things said back that sting and still fly in the air, even when you are trying to forget.
and then my work calls. i kept trying to think that the *promises* they made to me were real. that they wouldn't pull the typical screw you action.
i was wrong.
so much for my supposed promotion.
the day just kept spiralling. at one point i just wanted to run as fast as i could out of my life.
and yet here i am. sides sore from laughing.
the maranda, julia + dave show. with guest star veronica, the baby who just learned to giggle.
life is strange.
my family is stranger.
but i love them.
and i hope tomorrow is better than today.

laura f

2002-08-12T10:47:00.000-04:00

2002-08-12T10:45:00.000-04:00

this is my last week of being home.
this time next week i'll be typing this from work.
i don't know how to express how much i will miss my daughters.
how much i will miss seeing the little daily changes that veronica has.
this morning she discovered her feet. it is as if someone handed her the keys to a magical realm. these feet. an endless supply of excitement.
i wish my life was that simple and pure.
"i wish i was like you, easily amused." (nirvana)
julia returns today from california. i expect there will be some definate adjustments needed. she has been pretty happily spoiled by her 2 week stay at 2 sets of grandparents. i've missed her, though.
she starts school soon. fifth grade. they will even have lockers.
i still have dreams about my locker. weird. i'm not sure what was so significant. but i will dream of standing there, fiddling with the combination. tom next to me singing culture club to me, us laughing. aimee shoving her books into mine. the pictures we would hang up every week. different ones.
so much life in this life. so much it makes my breath pause. so much.

laura f

2002-08-11T12:27:00.000-04:00

Your magical style is Angelic.

What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox

2002-08-11T12:23:00.000-04:00

it feels like a lazy sunday. barefoot. hair still wet from a long shower. no real need to be anywhere but here today. just be. it feels like a just be day.
i've always loved sundays. always. they've forever had that laziness tint to them. a carefree whisper. naps and bookreading. conversations in the late afternoon with a vanilla latte or mocha and a good friend.
sunday was once my dancing day. 1970. my favourite of the hollywood clubs i once frequented. the night would begin early on. kate and i trying on outfit after outfit. we were champions of hiding our poverty. trading pieces of clothing to create something new. and it worked. we would trade off who would get to choose the playlist for the ride out there. we had boxes full of mixed tapes. each one made with care. we would sing along at the top of our lungs. smoking clove cigarettes and puckering our lipsticked smiles. sometimes the drive there was better than the night itself. sometimes.

later on. my first apartment. i worked six days a week and went to school. sunday was my one day off. i never liked to spend it alone so i would cook up these "sunday feasts" and invite everyone i could think of over. after awhile people would just saunter in on a sunday, wait for the smells of that night's creation to waft through the door and invite them in. the night always ended late. pillows on the floor. words and music colliding from wall to person to mouth to wall.

today i will write. i will take a nap. i will stay barefoot and carefree. i will play with veronica. i will sing out loud. i will dance around the kitchen as i make a big pot of spaghetti. and i will wish more of my friends lived closer to come by and be. just be.

laura f

2002-08-08T14:15:00.001-04:00

my favourite of tori's b-sides :D

Which Tori Amos B-Side are you?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.

2002-08-08T14:15:00.000-04:00

i'm back.

i was in california for five days visiting my family,
and some friends.

i haven't been back to california for over two years,
and though i knew i missed certain things about it
(the ocean, friends, familiarity) -- i didn't really
think i'd feel so much longing to be back as i do now
that i'm back in michigan.

i also wasn't sure i'd enjoy this trip. i stayed with
my mother and her new husband. all my life my mother
and i have had trouble getting along. we would have
good spells, but they were always shadowed by
troubles. those who have known me for awhile know how
painful our relationship has been at times. so, even
though i wanted to see my family -- and have them meet
baby veronica -- i was really hesitant on how it would
all turn out.

the surprise of the trip, for me, was how well we got
on together. perhaps the miles and years between us
have done us good. or it could be that i've grown
more, learned to stay strong in who i am. or maybe it
is just have developed an acceptance of who my mother
is, what her limitations are, and what good there is
despite the problems. i don't know. i do know that i
had a wonderful time and was wishing i had actually
chosen to stay longer.

julia is still there. she spent one week with her
other grandparents and arrived at my mom's the day
before i left to come home. she will be back next
week. she, in her words, is having a super cool time.

one of the big things that happened on this trip is i
finally was able to find some peace and forgiveness
with my brother. i didn't think i could get to this,
in my lifetime, i was sure it was impossible. but, for
those who claim that forgiveness heals, they are
right. i feel about fifty pounds lighter without that
anger and resentement in me.

the other good stuff was a lot of laughter. watching
margaret cho with my mother. seeing my friends chuck,
star and mick. mexican food. a very keen jacuzzi.
shopping. the ocean. great conversations. and gorgeous
weather. swimming with julia. introducing everyone to
veronica. standing on the sand at the beach with my
daughters. a great coffee house with live music and a
sign that said "if it's too loud, go to starbucks".
funky record, book and clothing stores.

i now really miss california. i miss my friends there.
i miss the ocean. i miss places i just love there.
shops. music. los angeles. santa monica. palm trees.
the diversity. the familiarity. the radio stations,
even. and, even though i didn't think i'd ever say
this, my family.

so now i'm not sure what to do. while i was there i
saw some great job opportunities working at one of the
movie studios (both mgm and fox) and found out about a
teaching program at pasadena college i could do part
time, to get my teaching degree. but, i hate to move
julia again, and i think dave really likes it here. he
has friends and feels settled. but, when i'm really
honest with myself, i want to go back. so, now what?

oh. and veronica is now red hot ;) while at the los
angeles airport i was standing in line to go through
the security check and this guy in front of me was
talking to me and talking to veronica. i kept thinking
he looked familiar, but i couldn't place him. i kept
thinking maybe i knew him from school or a friend of a
friend or something. we ended up at the other end of
security and still talking. he then looks and sees a
group of guys coming his way and says "flea! you've
got to see this baby!" i then realize i've been
talking all that time with john frusciante!!! (hi
jamie!!!) the rest of the guys come over (flea,
anthony, a guy i didn't recognize and their security).
flea gets down on his knees and talks to veronica in
her stroller, making faces at her and laughing. he
told me "i can barely remember when my daughter was
this small!" i wish i'd had a camera with me, but the
one disposable camera i had was used up and i had
decided not to bring the digital for fear i'd lose it.
damn. but one day i'll tell her how she met the red
hot chili peppers in the l.a. airport and how they
loved her :D they were all so sweet. seriously nice.
i'd met john before, years ago, although he didn't
remember me (he did remember my friend rachel, who he
dated for awhile, though). he said "well, i wasn't
quite the same then." (understatement). then we went
on our separate way.

it was a good time.

laura f

2002-08-03T22:12:00.000-04:00

I'm Claire, who are you? Six Feet Under Quiz by Turi.

2002-08-03T22:08:00.000-04:00

i'm having a really good time visiting my family.
who'd have thought?

'course there still is three more days. but, maybe two years and many miles between us has been a good thing.
or perhaps i'm just really more together than i thought i was.

who knows. i'm just happy to be happy, i think.

laura f

2002-08-01T23:08:00.000-04:00

Primary Ability: Farseeker Farseekers posses the ability to communicate over great distances via telepathy. They are great friends who know when they're needed, and seem to be able to detect others thoughts.

Secondary Ability: Empath Empaths posess the ability to feel the emotions of others. They are gentle people, who encourage and nurture others. They percieve the world with their hearts and not with their minds. Empaths make great friends because they understand people.
What is your Misfit Talent?

2002-08-01T23:01:00.000-04:00

i loved these, too...though the books i had as a kid were called mad libs...

View My AdLib Book!

laura f

2002-08-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

tee hee.
i used to do these my sophmore year of high school, in these big spiral bound notebooks.
thanks to jen for sharing this link! go try it out :D

View My Slambook! |

Sign My Slambook!

laura f

2002-07-30T15:56:00.000-04:00

Which Willy Wonka character are you?

made by

2002-07-30T15:55:00.000-04:00

lyrics for today: 'central reservation' beth orton

putting down a central reservation.
last night's red dress
and i can still smell you on my fingers
and taste you on my breath.
stepping through brilliant shades
of the color you bring
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is.

today is whatever i want it to mean.

if this is where memories are made, well,
dreams do come true.
everything i ever took for granted
i want to see it through.
i step through every shade
any color you bring.
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is.

today is whatever i want it to mean.

it's like
it's like living in the middle of the ocean
with no future, no past.
and everything that's good right now,
well, i don't wish for it to last.
i'll step through brilliant shades,
every color you bring.
this time, this time, this time
is fine just as it is.

and today is whatever i want it to mean.

i love that line: "today is whatever i want it to mean." it resonates within me, today. speaks of freedom. that we can decide what we make our lives. we can decide to be happy. we can decide to dwell on unhappiness, sit around and do nothing but complain. or we can decide to see from a different perspective. count the things that make our life grand. we all have them, no matter what we may believe.

here are a few things that make my today grand:

baby girl's new smile
laughing with dave until we both started to fall off the couch
talking with mary
deciding to do something completely new and different with my hair
finding a shirt i have wanted for ages on sale at oldnavy.com
downloading the above beth orton song

laura f

2002-07-30T14:09:00.000-04:00

"though i'm past one hundred thousand miles, i'm feeling very still...
"

quiz created by neondisease

Which David Bowie single are you?

2002-07-30T13:20:00.000-04:00

(from purple ink mailing list)
list 10 of your favorite works of art (you can interpret "work of art" however you want):

1. 'ecstasy' maxfield parrish
2. 'blue nude' pablo picasso
3. 'the starry night' vincent van gogh
4. 'a mermaid' john william waterhouse
5. 'black iris' georgia o'keefe
6. 'brooklyn family' diane arbus
7. 'little earthquakes' (album) tori amos
8. 'midsummer's eve' edward robert hughes
9. 'flaming june' lord frederic leighton
10. my daughters - julia and veronica

laura f

2002-07-28T22:16:00.000-04:00

what movie symbolism are you? find out!

2002-07-28T22:14:00.000-04:00

most of this week has been spent with both my daughters.

julia is leaving tomorrow for california, for two weeks. her first trip flying alone. her first time away from me for more than a week. big stuff. i'm going to miss her.

we've spent a lot of time planning. shopping for a "perfect" bathing suit (one she did find...all glitter and blue!) and some clothes that are "cool" (her words)...basically a black duster, a black button up shirt, tank tops and the bathing suit. (hmmm...lots of black, who could she get that from? i wonder ;))
we also watched the movie 'crossroads'. yes, the britney spears road trip extravaganza. i have three things to say about it. 1) it wasn't has horrid as i thought it would be, 2) mandy moore is a better actress, as the teen queens go, 3) britney is not a poet. 'nuff said. julia loved it though, and sang along. best moment was watching julia dance around the living room, with veronica, singing 'i love rock n' roll'.

as for veronica. wow. she changes everyday. i'm serious. the last few days she has been focusing on faces more, and noticibly recognizing all of us -- voices first, than faces. she loves music. has a different expression for every song she hears. right now she seems to enjoy celtic music the most. she loves the bath, and water of any kind. i just can't get over every little thing she does different every day. i honestly don't know how i'm going to be able to go back to work. i'm contemplating taking her in my purse with me!

dave and i are still trying to find time for us. not an easy task. but we managed to have a good conversation out on our front porch, and some time to watch a really bad movie on cable this afternoon, 'the fast and the furious'. our pronouncement of that film -- take 'point break' and replace the surf boards with cars. ack. despite the little time together, though, we are doing really well.

things that puzzle me lately: why good actors feel the need to make action films. why i can't find a pair of jeans that ever fit right. why there are so many children, in the u.s., being kidnapped, raped and killed lately. why i can't win the lottery and just spend every day with my two gorgeous daughters.

laura f

2002-07-27T20:54:00.000-04:00

which francesca lia block girl are you?

(quiz created by shelle)

2002-07-27T20:46:00.000-04:00

you're the virgin suicides. you're sad but pretty, and very, very dreamy.

take the which prettie movie are you? quiz, a product of the slinkstercool community.

2002-07-27T20:39:00.000-04:00

i like this idea :D

my 10 things that definately do not suck:

1. my beautiful daughters, julia & veronica, you can see them here: http://photos.yahoo.com/bc/finswithin/lst?.dir=/Veronica+and+friends&.view=t

2. a written card, letter or postcard waiting in the mailbox

3. tori amos in concert

4. the library or bookstore

5. my best friend's laughter

6. black & white photography

7. ben & jerry's phish food ice cream

8. the ocean

9. a lazy sunday afternoon

10. my husband playing guitar on our front porch

2002-07-23T21:03:00.000-04:00

You don't define yourself by a subculture, or at least you try not. You combine the
creativity and uniqueness of the underground with the trends of today giving you more
of an edge. You are probably not an outcast and nowhere near a conformist. You have
achieved balance.

Click here to take the GOTH test

2002-07-23T20:58:00.000-04:00
lyrics for today: 'tell yourself' natalie merchant

i know what you tell yourself you tell yourself
i know what you tell yourself you tell yourself
look in the mirror
look in the mirror what does it show?

i hear you counting
i know you're adding up the score
i know, oh yes i know
what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.
i know what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.

ever since eden
we're built for pleasing everyone knows
ever since adam
cracked his ribs and let us go
i know, oh yes i know
what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.
i know what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.
i know what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.

who taught you how to lie
so well and to believe
in each and every word you say?

who told you that nothing about you is alright
it's just no use, it's just no good you'll never be ok?

well i know, i know that wrong's been done to you
"it's such a tough world,"
that's what you say
and i know, i know it's easier said than done
but that's enough girl
give it away
give it, give it all away

tell yourself that you're not pretty
look at you, you're beautiful.
tell yourself that no one sees
plain jane invisible to me

just tell yourself
tell yourself
tell yourself you'll never be like the anorexic beauties in the magazines
like a bargain basement barbie doll, no belle du jour, no femme fatale
just tell yourself, tell yourself
tell yourself there's nothing worse than the pain inside and the way it hurts
but tell yourself it's nothing new cause everybody feels it too
they feel it too
and there's just no getting 'round the fact that you're thirteen right now.

i'm so tired of body image issues and low self esteem, and not just in me. in so many beautiful women and girls i know. it is breaking my heart. it is pissing me the fuck off. i'm tired of a society that brandishes skinny as the ideal. i hate seeing my daughter and her best friend in tears because some girls in the neighborhood made up a cheer about how "julia and maranda are fat fat fat." why is it that just because they aren't tiny, stick thin, that makes them targets for this kind of abuse. and i see them taking it in. believing it. and on the other side of the life train i'm tired of hearing my mom complain about her weight, how it is this unmanageable part of her life. how she wishes she was anorexic or bulemic. who the hell would wish for that? she has no idea what she's wishing for. she thinks it is some temporary thing to be. like a wizard's trick. a magic diet. she doesn't realize it is a disease. that even when you recover from it, it never leaves you. the eating disordered voice stays within your head. your skin. comes out and taunts your reflection in the mirror. your well being. i am fighting here, in my head, my soul. i am trying to love who i am. to not pick apart my body. to be okay not being "thin". and i'm trying to be strong for those i love who are hurting. but this is so hard and i'm so tired of it. i want to wake up, i want everyone i love to wake up, and just love who they are. inside and out.

pleasure of the day: 'gilmore girls'

it's on right now. i'm taping it because i had a phone call in the middle of it, didn't want to watch it interrupted. so as soon as my fingers stop moving across the keys i will watch the episode. i love this show, especially the writing. lorelei is one of the tv show characters presently (and pastly...is pastly a word?) that i really relate to. her relationship with rory reminds me of my relationship with julia. i missed most of the episodes last season, so i'm indulging in the re-runs this summer. yay for good t.v.

website of the day: http://gilmore-girls.net/

gilmore girls :D

laura f

2002-07-22T23:30:00.000-04:00

I'm a Girl!

SRC="http://door.nu/girl.jpg">

There isn't a woman

on earth who can't

relate to me

in some way or another.

I need to put

some band-aids on my knees.

Take the
title="Take the * Which Tori Amos Song Are You? * quiz @ The Quiz Blog">
Which Tori Amos Song Are You? quiz @ title="Which ____ are you? @ The Quiz Blog">The Quiz Blog @
Door.nu

2002-07-22T23:26:00.000-04:00
lyrics for today: 'famous blue raincoat' leonard cohen

it's four in the morning, the end of december
i'm writing you now just to see if you're better
new york is cold, but i like where i'm living
there's music on clinton street all through the evening.
i hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
you're living for nothing now, i hope you're keeping some kind of record.

yes, and jane came by with a lock of your hair
she said that you gave it to her
that night that you planned to go clear
did you ever go clear?

ah, the last time we saw you you looked so much older
your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
you'd been to the station to meet every train
and you came home without lili marlene

and you treated my woman to a flake of your life
and when she came back she was nobody's wife.

well i see you there with the rose in your teeth
one more thin gypsy thief
well i see jane's awake --

she sends her regards.

and what can i tell you my brother, my killer
what can i possibly say?
i guess that i miss you, i guess i forgive you
i'm glad you stood in my way.

if you ever come by here, for jane or for me
your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
i thought it was there for good so i never tried.

and jane came by with a lock of your hair
she said that you gave it to her
that night that you planned to go clear --

sincerely, l. cohen

this song, tonight, reminds me of letters written in the wee hours of night, or morning. that brisk bridge between two days. dim lights. pen shaking. emotion just on the tip of your tongue, wanting to pour out, but dripping slowly. some of that inner fear gripping it back. but it still comes. leaks out onto the page. i've written letters like that. some of them sent, some not. some held onto for days, re-read, then crumpled and thrown away. others kept folded in pages of a book, found years later. opened like a christmas gift, with wonder and a bit of abandon. sitting crosslegged in a room, distracted by a past self. myself. in words scrawled out in fading ink. the computer is a fabulous technology, one that i utilize and adore, to a degree. but there is something about the hand written word. something powerful. it will never be replaced by clicks on a keyboard and a lit up screen. never.

pleasure of the day: talking to my best friend on the phone tonight.

website of the day: http://www.serve.com/cpage/LCohen/lyrics/

the lyrics of leonard cohen. hurrah.

laura f

2002-07-22T23:18:00.000-04:00

"Just the two of us"

Which Strange Little Girl would you be?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.

2002-07-22T23:09:00.000-04:00
I'm '97 Bonnie and Clyde: Devoted, Mistreated and Nurturing.

"Just the two of us"

Which Strange Little Girl would you be?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.

2002-07-22T23:06:00.000-04:00

2002-07-22T23:02:00.000-04:00
a little weekly ramble (for last week):

my week has mainly been spent doing baby stuff, and
things with julia. i'll try not to bore everyone with
too many mom-stuff. i'll try! ;)

most of the week i woke up at around 10:30-11 am. this
is super late for me, but my sleep is definately
different -- and sporadic -- since the baby. veronica
usually sleeps from about 10pm to 3 or 4pm and then is
up for a few hours, going back to sleep around 7am.
so, thus my late rising. the strange thing is that
julia seems to have adopted the sleeping late thing,
and subsequently staying up late.

speaking of julia, she has devoloped a huge bond of
best friendship with her friend maranda. this has
definately been the julia and maranda summer. these
girls are literally inseperable. they are always
either here or at maranda's...everyday. right now they
are writing a mystery story to act out. :) they are
also immensely into fashion. i took them to the mall
and they went nuts (in a good way). julia found
herself a new bathing suit, black duster and shirt and
maranda found herself a pair of combat boots and
rubber bracelets. veronica spent the afternoon wide
eyed at all the colours of clothes and jewelry and
toys in and around all the stores. maranda and julia
kept fighting over who got to push her around in her
stroller, too. i actually bought a pair of jeans and a
skirt (that i love!!!). the jeans are "just okay".
someday i want to have a pair of jeans made for me. i
know levis has a special store where you can order
your own custom jeans for your body. someday i want
those. i'm so tired of having the same fitting
problem. in order for jeans to fit my ample hips they
are way too big in the waist and do this annoying back
gap. ugh. but, the jeans i found are okay. for now.

i also continued on my movie watching extravaganza.
this time around i watched 'america's sweethearts',
'my first mister', 'i'm the one that i want',
'storytelling', 'amelie' and the dvd commentary of
'anniversary party'. yay for movies :)
i would definately recommend 'my first mister', 'i'm
the one that i want', 'amelie' and 'anniversary
party'!!!

i went to the library and checked out a huge stack of
books to read. right now i'm reading 'tempting faith
di napoli' by lisa gabriele -- see here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0385658214/qid%3D1027381959/sr%3D11-1/ref\
%3Dsr%5F11%5F1/104-0509584-0113535

i've also been watching 'gilmore girls' and 'six feet
under' -- hurrah :)

dave and i have spent most of our time being crazy
about the baby and taking julia and maranda places.
time with just the two of us has been really rare.
dave has been working a lot, and doing his hero clix
thing a few nights a week. we did find sometime to
play with the digital camera (taking lots of baby and
julia pics) and play in the rain this afternoon (it's
good not to grow up!)

that's about it, i think.

laura f

2002-07-20T15:00:00.000-04:00
lyrics for the day: 'i don't care' shivaree

i don't care

i don't care you can do most anything
i am on a string and you can lead me anywhere
i'll go there willingly
some may say i'm for you to use and throw away
yeah that's what they say
but they'll say most anything
to keep you away from me

how much love loveable me
how much more can you take from me
you'll never go to sleep
i'll swallow all your time
doesn't matter what you say
'cause you are mine mine mine

seasons change
they march through they leave wounds behind
years are so unkind but
they could never rearrange
they can't change what i see

how much love loveable me
how much more can you take from me
you'll never go to sleep i'll swallow all your time
doesn't matter what you say
'cause you are mine mine mine

seasons change
they march through they leave wounds behind
years are so unkind but they could never rearrange
they can't change what i see
what i see
anything anything
i'll tell you what i'll do
anything anything
all for you

here is something i wrote today. i don't know how i like it. it feels a bit forced, but it has been ages (or what feels like ages) since i've done any real writing. i felt it was time to give it a shot. best way to write better is to keep on writing, right?

'transitionary girl'

this potion that you drip along my skin,
slowly, languidly,
pouring slowly along thi roadmap of my spine,
it is hypnotic, blinding,
a poison that leaves hooks inside of who i am.

you pull my words in through the wires,
i become the puppet,
the kept covering of desire,
of you and i,
and the millions of reasons left behind.

you speak to me, i can hear the words,
passionate, tyrannical,
they flood the surfaces around me,
they burn in a flame of denial,
spinning a web of invisibility.

i shift and swallow the filtered air of this cell,
you shake at the bars,
slide food through to me,
sustenance and penance,
say that i should wait here, become undone.

but i become this,
the ink in your writing pen,
leaking and waiting for your sentences and design,
sitting here becoming fluid, banal,
i wait for you to fill in my empty lines.

so, i'm going to california. going to visit my family. and for this it really has been *ages*. i'm not sure how i feel about all of it. conflicted. on both sides of the proverbial coin, i guess you could say. part of me is happy to see them. miss them. wanting to show her to them. to see them. face to face. but part of me knows what happens in that element. how i become this little girl again, swallowing hard, wanting to please. always feeling "less than good enough". and i don't know why. even in the compliments that come from my mother's tongue -- "you are such a good mother.", "i want to be you when i grow up.", "you are so...organized...together...etc...etc..." -- they are tinged in this tone, this way of speaking. it is hard to really put down in words, but it's in there. beneath the surface. the manipulation. the judgement. the criticism within the compliment. and it seeps in, i can't help it, it gets in. and the doubt and guilt settle under my surfaces. and it happens so slowly, so invisibly, that i don't feel it happening at first. and then i feel overwhelmed by it. by my self-doubt. i'm just sitting here now, hoping that the time apart will make this less likely. that i will have more security, more self preservation, more armor. we'll see.

damn, my daughters are beautiful. :)

pleasure of the day: root beer

diet coke, and other caffeinated products have always been my weakness, and my preference. but since i cannot have caffeine at the moment, i have been indulging in a new carbonated fancy -- root beer. my favourites being a&w and faygo. they remind me of being a child, on a road trip with my grandparents, stopping at the a&w stand. my grandfather would lift me up so i could order from the counter (i loved ordering myself) and i would always get a root beer float. the creamy soft serve ice cream swimming in the bubbles. and i would sit on the bench outside, feet tucked underneath me, and savor it. talking in between tastes to my grandfather about everything and anything, and nothing at all.

website of the day: http://hollywoodandvine.com/shivaree/

a good friend introduced me to their music, with a mixed tape. i played it so much the tape broke. unraveling in the bottem of my bag. i love the deep lush quality of the singer, and the poetic beat of the lyrics. and how it incapsulates childhood fantasy and adult disappointment, together, holding hands.

laura f

2002-07-16T15:56:00.000-04:00

Which Weezer Song are You?